I have learned so much from folks in this forum and have received a tremendous show of support. I have also been forced to think about such things as head hunger, emotional eating, and food addiction in ways which I was unable to do so before.

Years back I joined Overeaters Anonymous and Food Addicts Anonymous groups because I knew I had a problem, I left them because they were not working for me. Many times my sponsors became overbearing and judgemental, maybe that was not their intention but I felt like I was dealing with my mother.

These past few days I have been thinking of going back, but I am still unsure if those meetings are right for me. Perhaps finding a therapist to help me with my overall mental health is a better idea.

I've never been committed to bulimia or anorexia because I like food too much, and I have never binged to the point I needed to throw up. If I overeat I cannot get myself to puke, and is not for lack of trying. I tried it when I was much younger, but after having three kids and throwing up throughout all pregnancies I could not force myself to do it.

For me, secret eating has been my biggest problem. I guess it is something I developed after I had my second child, my ex-husband was concern that I was not losing the baby weight so he enrolled me in Nutrisystem, a surprise gift he said. This was 1989 so you can imagine that the food choices weren't as good or varied as today. I would eat their food in front of him, but I would have eaten before he got home. I did loose some weight after he told me that he was in love with the woman he married, not this fat pig I was becoming. Those words pierce like daggers still. I tried Phen-phen and that worked until they discontinued it.

Many years later, I had gained the weight plus some. I answered an add in the newspaper for weight loss study, and it turned out to be Jenny Craig. I got picked and was offered a year's membership, and free food. Film crews came to my home for the "before footage," but I never successfully completed the program.

I managed to loose about 60lbs once and keep it off for several years after my divorce in 1998. I was still not skinny but I was a healthy weight. Then I met and remarried, but guess what???? he was not the problem, it was his mother! she started getting on me about my weight for years! In fact, she introduced me to my Food Addict sponsor who was her neighbor. She also gifted me gym membership for years. Then the secret eating started, whenever we'd visit with them I'd eat before I see her. Scary huh?

So for other reasons my second marriage did not work out, it was mutual and we have maintaned an amiable relationship I finally left in 2010. I managed to lose 40lbs.

I got into a long distance relationship about four years ago with this really amazing guy. I lived with him two of those years and now we are back to living apart because I am back in school. So he is a health nut, exercises everyday, eats really healthy but never forced anything on me. The only thing that happened was that when I moved in, I became Suzy home maker and was cooking for him all this amazing dinners, after a few weeks he told me how much he appreciated and loved my cooking, but he was used to yogurt and fruit for dinner and that perfect for him. It hurt my feelings, but did not make me want to start secret eating, immediatelly. He is also a finicky eater, I love ethnic and diverse foods. I started eating out on my own a lot. I really did not gain a lot of weight until I had gall blader surgery July 2014. by December I had gained 10. I had managed to keep my weight under 205 for years. When I moved back to LA last year August 2015 I weight 215. But just like I mentioned in my prev blog my sister passed away July last year.

Hitting 245lbs was a wake up call, I have managed to get down to 236 these last three months. It has been really slow. I sort of started having these food mournings, but I nip that in bud immediatelly.

I have only shared that I am in the process of the sleeve surgery with a few people, one of them being my mom. Today, I texted her about something funny I saw at King Taco, and she basically said what the hell I was doing there. Oh boy! I cannot begin to tell you the roller coaster of emotions that that put me go through. So instead of binging I decided to send her this message:

Mom, I appreciate you being concern about what I am eating, but please try not to feel like you have to be my food police. I shared with you about this surgery because I do not want you to feel left out of my life. I am also going to need your support in helping me recuperate, but I do not need you to start acting like my food cop. It is my struggle and one I have to learn to deal on my own. You making comments about what I am eating only makes matters worse for me. I felt horrible seeing your text, it made me feel less than. I know that is not your intention, but it hurt my feelings. I already beat-up myself up for so many things I do wrong I do not need you to that for me. If I feel like having a taco I will, and I will pay the consequences. I need you to be my mom, to be kind and gentle and just be there for me without judgement. Can you do that for me please?

My first step to recovery...