Warning: Rant alert
by
, 11-16-2015 at 09:19 AM (2514 Views)
Good morning!! I hope that everyone is doing great. If your having a bad day, a nauseous day, a hungry day, a stall day....remember this....soon you will have a day where your up and getting dressed in some size you never thought you fit into. Your going to go out and get bunches of complements. Enjoy them!! I am so proud of everyone on here, all working to get what they want. You all should be proud of yourselves too!!
It's been a little bit since I've posted an update. I am in my 11th month post op. I can't believe new years will mark a year. So many changes, good and bad. I try to focus on the good. This is my weight tracker for the past few months
8/8 145.8
8/13 145.6
8/30 142
9/21 137
10/12 137
11/15 131
I was super happy at 145. That was where I wanted to be. 110lbs down, fitting into my old size 7's.
Today I weighed in at 131lbs. 6 pounds down in a month. I don't exercise, I don't watch what I eat, I don't do anything that I'm "supposed" to do except drink as much water as I can (still only hitting 50oz) and try to get protein in.
I've reached a point where I am saying to myself "I'll just do what I used to, I was always gaining then....or at least not loosing" it's sad because I am going backwards here. I want to gain. Once I get back up I want to maintain. I take in over 1400 cal. a day, I try to eat as much as I can, while trying to drink all the water and waiting the 30min in between.
On Friday I was home, not going anywhere so I had on a pair of pants that were size 6 and too big. My step daughter said "you look so tiny....like when an anorexic wears clothes that are too big"
So I kinda let that slide because I know the clothes were too big. I can't afford to buy more clothes. (I've done the thrift shops and goodwills....sometimes i find something, most times i dont) we're just not in a good spot financially where we can spend extra, especially not with Christmas coming. My job is volunteer, which works for my kids schedule. My husband was hurt and out of work for a while. Anyways, I have a pair of jeggins that are a small and a tight fit. So I wore that yesterday with a white shirt and a vest. I thought I looked good. I even took a picture of myself, which I made my profile/avatar. I felt pretty good, which was nice because I've been struggling with feeling too thin (life's a bitch, huh?)
So I was doing the dishes and my stepdaughter says to me " please don't take offense, I'm sorry, you are so tiny, you look so anorexic "
There was that F*N word again. It took me EVERYTHING I had not to turn around and say
"How dare you, I was 255lbs with my health going down, my self esteem gone, no energy.....and here I am, not 1 year later healthy and happy and energetic.....maybe I am a little too thin but as you well know I am trying to eat as much as I can whenever I can. So don't call me anorexic, because I'm not....I'm actually right in the middle of the BMI range for my height"
Instead I just said nothing. She then asked how much do I weigh, I told her 135....she was all like "what? That's it? Oh my gosh!"
WHAT THE F*** her two aunts are my size and thats ok. No one calls them anorexic. I reminded her that this was what I weighed before children. (I lied a little, I was 145 then)
I know she is having issues with self esteem right now. She is not fat. She Is not overweight. She is short. She has meat on her bones. She's had the bad skin that most 16yr Olds get. She was telling me how flat my stomach was compared to hers. My stomach isn't flat, it's the clothes holding it in; -)
So needless to say it really bothered me, and still does. She like wouldn't let it go. I'm not the type of person to keep my mouth closed.....but it seems like any of my husbands side really gets my blood boiling and one of these days I'm gonna snap.
Ok. Rant over. I needed to get that out, I feel like I can't say anything about it to my family cuz they might agree with her. The thing is.....if I was always tall and skinny, you wouldn't think twice. But because your used to seeing me obese now you see I'm not big, I'm small...it's not normal.
Someone else told me I need to stop loosing and wow I have really small bones. Again, that wasn't a compliment.
I don't regret my sleeve at all. I love it. I just am struggling with the loosing too much/trying to gain and maintain. It will pass. It will be good. I know it will. I'm just waiting.