forgotten promises.
by
, 05-25-2015 at 12:16 PM (2101 Views)
My fiance passed away from pancreatic cancer 2.5 years ago. He had just turned 41, and looked like an 80 year old man. I was his care taker, his cheerleader, his provider, his best friend, his partner....but I was nothing. I had become a shell of a person trying to save him. I was in such denial that he was not going to make it that it came as such a shock to me when he actually passed. He knew how much I loved him, and I knew how much he loved me. We had nothing left unsaid between us. I made him a promise though: I was going to live for both of us. I was going to experience life and laugh and try to love again (he was VERY adamant about that one).
Skip ahead 2.5 years and I found myself in an abusive (mentally) relationship. I had slipped even further into a shell of a person and was starting to give up on me. I was engaged to this new man, and I knew in my heart that it wasn't what I wanted but I couldn't get out. He had shrunk me into a needy nothing and I didn't have the strength to standup for myself. When I found out his "truth" (7 years in prison.....manipulator.....crime I don't want to talk about) I ran. I packed up my dog and left for a few days. My friends didn't know who I was. I was defending this sick man, and was slipping further and further away. Then...I talked to one specific friend who flat out asked me...what would Scott think of this man? (Scott was my fiance with cancer). I said...he would hate him. He would kill him. There was my wake up call. Something finally clicked inside my brain and it all made sense. I had forgotten the promise that I had made Scott. I wasn't living; I was merely existing. Not a great way to live.
So, here I am beginning this journey in 31 days to a healthy me. A journey to a me that is living and experiencing, and participating. I can't change the choices that I made in the past, but I can acknowledge them and change the future. I can do this. I can be the person that I have always wanted to be. And Scott? I am going to live for both of us, just like I promised.