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forgotten promises.

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My fiance passed away from pancreatic cancer 2.5 years ago. He had just turned 41, and looked like an 80 year old man. I was his care taker, his cheerleader, his provider, his best friend, his partner....but I was nothing. I had become a shell of a person trying to save him. I was in such denial that he was not going to make it that it came as such a shock to me when he actually passed. He knew how much I loved him, and I knew how much he loved me. We had nothing left unsaid between us. I made him a promise though: I was going to live for both of us. I was going to experience life and laugh and try to love again (he was VERY adamant about that one).
Skip ahead 2.5 years and I found myself in an abusive (mentally) relationship. I had slipped even further into a shell of a person and was starting to give up on me. I was engaged to this new man, and I knew in my heart that it wasn't what I wanted but I couldn't get out. He had shrunk me into a needy nothing and I didn't have the strength to standup for myself. When I found out his "truth" (7 years in prison.....manipulator.....crime I don't want to talk about) I ran. I packed up my dog and left for a few days. My friends didn't know who I was. I was defending this sick man, and was slipping further and further away. Then...I talked to one specific friend who flat out asked me...what would Scott think of this man? (Scott was my fiance with cancer). I said...he would hate him. He would kill him. There was my wake up call. Something finally clicked inside my brain and it all made sense. I had forgotten the promise that I had made Scott. I wasn't living; I was merely existing. Not a great way to live.
So, here I am beginning this journey in 31 days to a healthy me. A journey to a me that is living and experiencing, and participating. I can't change the choices that I made in the past, but I can acknowledge them and change the future. I can do this. I can be the person that I have always wanted to be. And Scott? I am going to live for both of us, just like I promised.

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  1. KRowe's Avatar
    Way to go, jaimaroo!!!!! And, Way To Go jaimaroo's friend!!!! Sounds to me like you've come out of this a much stronger person and you're ready to spend the rest of your life making yourself happy! That's a good goal to have.
  2. stargazerlily's Avatar
    You brought tears to my eyes and I feel your suffering in more ways then one. I got married young to a manipulative, abusive (in every way) and conniving man, in which my weight spiraled out of control. Luckily I toughened up and kicked that bad habit to the curb!! Fast forward I lost my mother, step-mother & aunt all to pancreatic cancer within 2 years of each other. I was there for each death & helped the care with my mothers. To say it was torture, is being nice. I do not know you but it sounds like Scott was a wonderful man, who indeed would want the best for you but what do you want for yourself? Weight loss has been a tremendous relief for me and an amazing journey. I wish you the best of luck and much success on your amazing journey.
  3. MandyTime's Avatar
    I totally understand where you are coming from. I took care of my Mother for 8 years till she passed away in my house from cancer. During this time my father (parents are divorced) passed a way a year before of heart failure. My handle "MandyTime" is what I feel now is for me. My time, the time of my life that I can take care of myself.

    I am so happy for you that you are taking care of yourself too now. I wish you the best and strength through your journey.
  4. MaggieMay2015's Avatar
    What a brave and inspiring person you are! Great job!
  5. mem222's Avatar
    I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I hope that with the help if your friends and family you will be successful/ happy with your new life
  6. Rayer's Avatar
    Scott would be so proud of you. Best of luck on this journey!!
  7. jaimaroo's Avatar
    Thank you everyone. I wanted to start blogging and getting the thoughts that are floating around in my brain out. It felt really great to put it out into the world. I don't want sympathy, but I appreciate all of the kindness and support.
    It was comforting to read that others know what it is like to have gone through such awful loss.
    I don't understand cancer, and I hate it.
    I need/want to get healthy so I can live a full life.
    Good luck out there!!!
  8. sraebaer's Avatar
    Sounds like Scott is smiling down from heaven right now. Way to go! You will find weight loss surgery is the perfect tool to get you started down the healthy path. You'll also find many supportive friends on this site.
  9. Ann2's Avatar
    So proud of you. You've taken back the reins of your life.

    You're receiving some wonderful lessons about life. It'd be lovely if we knew everything we should know from the get-go. But it doesn't work that way, does it? The lucky ones are those who are good learners.


    And yes, I think you should blog about your lessons learned along the way. At 69 years old, I'm happy to tell you the lessons haven't stopped yet. Thank goodness!

  10. healthier86's Avatar
    Thank you for sharing your story! Congratulations on your new life journey.
  11. SunnySDk's Avatar
    Wow, thank you for sharing, very powerful. This surgery is no joke but it is a real step in trying to take control of our life again. Wishing you the very best in your journey!!