I FINALLY got my surgery date!!

I could have technically scheduled it for January 28th (and boy did I want to!) but my husband's work schedule is a big unknown so I pushed it back until February 18th because he is on the schedule for 2 weeks off then. Of course things may change for him before then. He's in the oil field and things are NOT GOOD right now. Almost all of his co-workers have already been laid off and things are looking like he will most likely be laid off too...very soon. It's never a good thing to lose your job but the timing of this concerning my surgery is just awful. If I was a betting woman I would say he will most likely be laid off before I get to have my surgery...and considering we took out a loan to pay for this surgery since my insurance company decided they didn't want to cover weight loss surgery anymore, well... let's just say the guilt is pretty strong right now.

I know all the old arguments. Believe me, I am repeating them to myself every chance I can. "This surgery is for my health. This is hopefully enabling me to be healthier and more capable of helping to care for my family. This will help relieve a lot of health concerns for the future and hey...smaller grocery bill right? Bonus!"

And of course I agree with all of that, and it does help a little with the guilt. But it doesn't alleviate it completely. Things are probably fixing to get really tough around here financially and I just made them tougher with financing this surgery. That's the "guilt struggle" I'm having. And honestly, if I didn't want this surgery so bad then I might back out for financial reasons. But apparently, as guilty as I feel it isn't enough for me to sacrifice the surgery. I think part of me knows that if I cancel it now I probably won't ever do it again. Oh well, no looking back, right? My husband and family are supportive, even with the financial constraints so that makes it easier.

Anyway, part of me wishes that I could have booked the surgery in 2 weeks but I'm also glad I have a month to prepare. To be completely and utterly honest, I haven't done a whole lot to change my bad habits yet. Actually, if we are being 100% honest, my habits have gotten worse since deciding to do this surgery. I have almost always dieted, counted calories, tried to drink as much water as possible, etc.. When I first started going down the road to surgery I stupidly decided that since I was going to have the sleeve I might as well make the most of my ginormous stomach right now and indulge every chance I got. I actually don't remember really making that conscious decision, but I do remember my family saying things like, "Better enjoy it while you can."

Of course, that led to eating bigger portions and choosing food that's pretty awful for you because I had this mind set, "Better enjoy it while you can!" Every time I stuffed myself with pizza or ice cream, or Chinese food I have felt like I am saying my goodbyes to it. So I have been going around saying goodbye to everything... Repeatedly.

Of course, this is an absolutely awful mindset to have. But you know, one of the things with this whole process, at least the pre-op process anyway is that it takes a while. In the past when I got excited about a life style change it would be something that I started immediately while my motivation was high. It's easier to diet and exercise if you have the proper motivation. But if you decided to start a diet and get all excited but wait 4 months to start, maintaining that good motivation becomes a struggle. I have had to continuously remind myself exactly what I'm trying to do here. This forum has helped a lot with that, of course. And hopefully having a set date now...a REAL countdown will help even more. Maybe now I can actually do what I am supposed to do at this moment, which is try to focus on making the changes that I will have to live by post surgery: Making healthy choices, paying attention to protein and water intake, slowing down, chewing each bite more, etc.. There are adjustments my family is going to have to make also. This is a lifestyle change for them, too. It's time we get started on that. I plan on making the most of this month.

And of course, I need to remember that, when it comes to bidding my favorite foods farewell, it doesn't have to be goodbye forever. It can be more like, "See you later maybe...in smaller quantities."

That doesn't seem as hard somehow.