Today running through my side of the closet. There hanging my shirts, some of them halfway on because standard hangers don't hold plus size clothes well. Tucked in the back of the closet was "one of those shirts". You know the ones, where you spend a great deal of time and effort pulling it down below your waist because you just don't want to accept this shirt isn't long enough anymore after being washed a couple of times.

I pull on this shirt, and it fits. I remember there is a pair of pants that accompanies it fairly well, but they have been tucked away in the it-doesn't-fit-me part of the closet. But I think today Ill go in that dreaded place. I put the pants on over my hips and just wish, wish wish they actually pull up....and the feeling of buttoning them up without sucking in anything in is pure bliss. More bliss than any godiva chocolate could procure, or any bowl of pasta. And I know that they fit because I haven't be ABLE to overindulge in either.

There is a small doubting part of me that tells me I am a fraud, I couldn't do it on my own. I had the gastric sleeve surgery so there just ISNT room for any serious overindulgence. Last night for example, just a few bites of potato leak soup, and a few bites of soft cheese, chewed very carefully of course, and a few sips of lemon water did the trick.

But the sleeve surgery gives you a chance to start over. The same time you have this surgery it's like a set of training wheels. Here is your new bike, to set you free, with training wheels for support. If you wobble left or right trying to make better decisions with eating, your new stomach keeps you from completely falling over. It's awkward at first, you will wobble quite a bit. But the more practice you put into it, the more you work at it, the more balanced you become. Then those training wheels aren't so necessary. You can ride on your own. Sure you may fall a few times, but never like before. Its just important to keep working on riding that bike.

Everyone has their struggles. That size 6 woman who seems to have it all hides sometimes a world of turmoil. I wear my struggles on the outside; my burdens are more obvious. I finally broke down and admitted I can't do it on my own and needed real help. It was either ask for help and or allow this to slowly kill me. There is no shame in rolling a 150 pound boulder uphill to push it over the mountain on the other side and asking for other people to help you push, instead of it eventually letting it roll over you because of the strain. We all do better with support and help, and no matter what anyone says, human beings need it.

So Im riding my shiny new bike with my training wheels. Which allowed me to explore in the recesses of my closet and bring to light certain places and let go of the shame. Because one day Ill completely get a handle on this and find balance.