So I have decided to have the surgery, and I'm scheduled for Feb '15. I'm terribly excited, and a bit scared. Oddly enough, my only fear is going under anesthesia. I've only been under once before, and i understand being obese and in my 30's, the risk of complications are a bit higher. I cannot wait for this new start, this new chapter. I have battled obesity since i hit puberty, and I'm so tired of the battle. My siblings are all tall and slender, and my dad, while my mom and I are heavy. Most of my other relatives are obese as well. Its been a crappy, uphill battle.

I weighed in at 214 yesterday (i am 5'3") and it damn near broke my heart. I lost 65lbs four years ago, and i am back where i had started. I finally shared my upcoming procedure with my family, and their responses varied from indifference to telling me that I'm not that big, and that i don't need it. It was frustrating to say the least. I felt angry, especially with my mother and my older sister. I thought that my mom would've been the most supportive, seeing how she struggles with her weight too. My sister knows how uncomfortable i am, physically and mentally. I have RA, and the extra weight makes dealing with it, and staying on top of it, a lot harder. While i don't *need* their support, i still wish i had it.

I've been really open with my 9 year old daughter about my struggle with obesity, and my upcoming surgery. I've tried so hard to set a good example for her, and we regularly talk about body image, what it means to be healthy, and even how mainstream society and the media can impact how women feel about themselves. My family was upset that i had told my daughter about my surgery, and had wanted me to keep it from her. I can't do that to her. How messed up would it be to lose a remarkable amount of weight so fast, and set that expectation that its "normal" to do so? How confusing would that be to a child?! I feel like i would be setting her up for a lifetime of unrealistic expectations on weight loss and healthy eating. So now she knows about my surgery, and has been really curious about the procedure itself (she's very science-minded), and what my life will be like afterward.

My boyfriend has been mostly supportive. At first he thought i was crazy, but after explaining my medical problems, my potential medical problems if i dont lose the weight, and pointing out the fact that ive gained 50lbs since i first met him and am steadily getting bigger every year, he's finally on board. He watches all of the surgery videos with me, and has researched my surgeron to give himself a piece of mind. Our relationship hasn't been the greatest for the past two years, and my weight bothers him. He has very nicely said as much. Lately I've wondered if we wouldn't be happier part. We've been together for 5 1/2 years, and while he is a great dad to my kid, I think we're becoming too different. I feel restless. My fear is that he thinks this surgery and me losing weight will fix our relationship. Sure, I'm sure it'll help, but our problems won't disappear with my fat.

Thanks for reading my rambles.