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Journey Tobeme

He won't recognize me...Please cut out my heart now...

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Yesterday I got a heir (oops hair) cut. It was a drastic cut taking my hair from near my waistband of my jeans to above my shoulders. I could rattle off 50 reasons but the biggest is I wanted a change I could control so I lost control and chose a cut so radically different. But the haircut really isn't the big thing in this story.

I picked up my grandson afterwards. He is almost 9. He lives with me most of the time. His father (my son) is a underwater welder. As wonderful as our state, is we are not known for our ocean views nor does much welding occur in our rivers, lakes or ponds. Needless to say not a lot of work for those folks in the Great State of Oklahoma. Having to work away from home it leaves my grandson living with me for the stability. Off shore oil rigs aren't really kid friendly environments and the school helicopters don't run. Since his BioMom has never been in the picture it has been my honor to stand in for them.

He gets in the car and says very eloquently "Wow". That was it. No more, no less. I plug in the MP3 (his not mine) and crank Hotel California like every other day. It was a minute and half into the song before I realized I was singing alone.

I look over and he is crying. I mean full force tears. I asked if a bee had stung him or maybe the seat belt had pulled his hair. I was reaching for an explanation. Considering he had been laughing when I picked him up something had to have happened. He finally quit sobbing long enough to say that I had made him cry.

I pulled the car over. Please note I used extreme caution in operating the vehicle I turned to him to hand him a tissue and ask for an explanation. He simply said, "I'm not going to recognize you. You already look different and if you change anymore no one will recognize you then they won't know you are my Kunyi and they won't let me go with you and I will have to go with the police until they find my dad because they won't believe you that you are you cause I won't recognize you.
NOTE: The lack of punctuation is reflective of an almost 9 year old reaching mass hysteria in his world.

This poor boy has always had me daily in his life. His dad is gone 2 or 3 weeks at a time. His mother walked away at birth. He sees her sometimes near his birthdays but often not for a few years. I am truly the only constant and familiar thing in his young life. Now I am ripping that away.

When I first brought up having the surgery so I could get healthy and fit we talked about the good things. Roller Coasters, water parks, kayaking, hiking and anything else we have ever wanted to do. His lifelong dream right now is to grow up and us do Amazing Race together. What we didn't talk about was that I would look different. I didn't think it would be so noticeable.

He finally did settle down. I told him since he sees me everyday he will always recognize me. He made me promise to always wear the perfume he picked out in case I change too much one day. That way he can recognize the smell of it. He says he can hear my voice and he will know its me if he closes his eyes. So I think he is going to be ok. But in that moment of dread and panic my heart was sad for him.

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  1. mokaza's Avatar
    Made me cry. A child's world is so narrow. He will get used to the new normal. Will you?
  2. kenziesmom_2000's Avatar
    omg that poor kid!!!! that brought tears to my eyes! he has endured entirely too much to be worried about the police taking him if he didnt recognize you.... breaks my heart. what a blessing to have you in his life and to have the stability you have been able to provide him!!!
  3. Journey Tobeme's Avatar
    @ Mokaza Children really put things in perspective. I hadn't at all thought about how physical changes will affect him. I was concentrating so hard on letting him know I would be safe. I have only lost 40 lbs and gotten a haircut but apparently that was all it took to being on this. They truly can shake up how we view the world real easily.
    As for me getting use to the new normal? Definitely. The hair thing was very out of character for me. But I was standing at the mirror looking at yet another ponytail and decided I was tired of it lol

    @Kenziemom He has endured way too much. The police thing happened at school. A child wasn't picked up because of a car accident and the school principal called police when it became apparent no one was coming. The police took the child to the hospital to the family. But when 3rd graders tell the story it sometimes gets lost that the boy wasn't abandoned.
  4. Ann2's Avatar
    Kids are a lot of things, and one of those is that they're naturally dramatic. But they're also extraordinarily adaptable -- way more adaptable than adults. With your continuing assurances, now that his concerns are out in the open, I'm betting he will be just fine.

    I actually think the perfume thing is brilliant. Was that his idea?

    Maybe you could talk with him about how much HE is going to change in the coming few years. You could look at kids who are just a few years older than him and see how much taller they are. Then look at pix of his dad when he was a boy. You could assure him that just because his dad's appearance changed that much that it has not changed your love for him at all.

    I think this is a wonderful opportunity for him to expand his own view of the world and time and changes through a lifetime.

    Learning is change. And change is learning.

    Best wishes to you all.
  5. Joe Poppa's Avatar
    He was scared, you are his world, at the very least the mother figure he is missing from his life.
    The thought of losing you was painful and scary.

    You handled this well. Can your give your son a call and have him call your grandson and assure him everything is fine, nothing is going to happen and only positive things will occur as you are losing weight.

    He loves you very much.
  6. Fae's Avatar
    Tears...love the way you reassured him. His perfume comment--precious. Congrats on your weight loss, good luck as you progress.
  7. sulanden's Avatar
    And we all think that we are going on this journey....wrong, we have others to commit to help us with our benchmarks. What am amazing your grandson must be wise in his own.
    You are more than an anchor to your little guy's life...you are with him In this Amazing Race of life.

    Sounds like you're getting ready for a great life.

    Thank you for your note.
  8. Trophywifesoon's Avatar
    It might be my PMS I don't know, But I'm bawling like a baby.
    Kids are my weakness. Give that baby a big ol hug from pscho stranger Linda.
    Mucho hugs to you both!
  9. mamb0831's Avatar
    All I could do was cry when I read this. You are an Amazing Grandmom, you are raising one heck of a Grandkid. Kudos to you!
  10. ACE's Avatar
    What a sweet little guy and such a understandable concern from one so young I know you will make him smile just by being around much longer than you would have if you hadnt made such extreme changes. You are doing an awesome job raising him glad he has such a great person to look up to and learn from.
  11. Journey Tobeme's Avatar
    Thank you everyone. He is truly my world right now. He is such a sweet and amazing child.

    @Ann yes the perfume was his idea. He bought me the perfume for my birthday and it has become my favorite. Who doesn't like smelling like honey, coconut and lime? lol I love, love the idea of pictures of people changing. We are updating his LifeBook (our version of scrap booking) so I will pull out older pics to show and talk about.

    @JoePoppa unfortunately his dad can't call until Thursday. But I did send him an email so he could have a heads up and talk to him.
  12. justilou's Avatar
    Oh poor, sweet, little boy! You need to explain that you've made these changes so that you can be with him for even longer!!! Sounds like he knows how lucky he is to have you!!!
  13. denise.jordan39's Avatar
    Years ago, I was attempting yet another diet and was talking to my husband about it. My then 3 year old starts to cry. What's the matter? I said. He blubbers "I don't want you to lose weight mommy, you won't be comfortable anymore!". Fast forward 20 years. My older son, 31, just moved back home. He knew I had lost a lot of weight, but hadn't seen me. He'd seen some pictures, We'd even Tangoed. He was still in shock. Couldn't stop staring with his mouth open! It was kind of fun. Everyone around me saw the 90+ pounds fall off, to him, it was a shock. Took awhile to get used to. Everyone's suggestions were great. Showing him pictures of himself growing up is something he can relate to. It doesn't happen overnight!
  14. apythia's Avatar
    Poor thing - both of you! I wish you both all the love in the world.
  15. azladyrider's Avatar
    Aww the poor boy. You sound like a great gramma
  16. Journey Tobeme's Avatar
    Thank you very much everyone. He and I had a great conversation. We looked through pics of myself as a child and other family. He is blessed that my parents are still with us. So he has 2 living great grandparents. I used them especially to show him that people change a lot in life but we can always recognize them.
    I understand his fear. The constant in his life is changing and evolving. Some days I am scared. This is all brand new to me too. 8/9 years ago I got very sick and gained this weight. I have added to the original weight but I haven't been myself physically since. Now I realize I haven't been myself in any other way most of my life. But that is another post.

    Thank you again. It means a lot
  17. Lee6Lee's Avatar
    Very touching. You handled it beautifully. He's so lucky to have you!
  18. Rerun4u2's Avatar
    Grandkids pull at your heart strings.
  19. Sandra3's Avatar
    Your grandson is lucky to have you in his life! those tears are for sure the sign of the fear of abandonment, his mother walked away, you son is working far away too...kids have a hard time to understand that work is important and can send us away and there's nothing we, parents, can do about it. I've been living overseas with my family for the past 14 years, but a few years ago I had to do several trips back to Paris for work in just a few months(I was in DC, it's a short 8 hours flight) that was compulsory and the kids were not happy I had to "leave them behind all the time"....my husband is a sweet man....but they can't stand his cooking! they did give me a hard time, until we sat down, I told them I wished they could travel with me but they had to go to school and plus we could not afford to pay all those trips for them. I asked them what was the main issue when I was away, one daughter said "dad can't do my hair right, I look bad all the time" all kids said they missed my cooking, the youngest said she missed me a lot, the house didn't smell like I was there.... My older kid took care of the "hair problem", I cooked batches of food before living, froze as much as possible (sometimes 2 weeks of dinners! usually I was away ten days top) and I left a teddy bear with my perfume on it for my youngest....little things but everybody felt better...well, I still felt guilty but that's part of the mum's job description...may be you could take selfies with your grandson once a week, so he has a new photo of you two with him each week...take care