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I knew this would happen, but still....

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I have a history of PTSD and depression so having some of that come back at me is no real surprise. In fact, my team was set up with support for that in mind. But it hasn't hit me before now. Not really. I think it's my jeans that caused the problem. I don't have any that fit right anymore. Last month I bought a belt that barely closed. It was the biggest black belt, with enough holes to provide some longevity, I could buy at Walmart. Now I finally have to use it with my jeans.
I want to be happy about that, something about losing that much weight, enough that my belt fits properly now and I'm 6 holes into it, but I'm not. It's my birthday next week and all I can think about is that I won't have a pair of jeans that fits me properly on the one day a year I need them most.

I can't exercise either, and that can't be helping. I mean, I have an active job so I get exercise at work, but I don't really work enough for that to be enough. My spine, however, prevents me from most forms of exercise that can be done at home, I don't own a car, and it's -45 outside so I can't bring myself to walk through it to get to the swimming pool and back. Especially not back with wet hair.
It's funny, because I thought I had planned for depression but I've been trying to figure out where to go for help all morning. I'm not feeling any desire to self-harm, so I can't call the suicide prevention hotline, and If I go to my local hospital I won't be able to eat anything there for however long I'm there. The food they let me eat there(because of my listed allergy) is too dry and I still can't keep dry meat down.
I'd say I was having an anxiety attack except that it's more like a slow moving panicky feeling than anything. If it were a panic attack I'd have gotten over it hours ago.
I'm trapped, and all I want to do is scream and shout and break the walls, but there ARE no walls on this cage. It's a trap I put myself into, and I can't get out now as long as I want to live. If I didn't want to live healthy I could do a lot of things, but I do. So I'm trapped.
Someone posted a question onthe forums here about self-harm through the sleeve and it made me start thinking about my own mental health. And I realized I'm not doing well.

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  1. thenewmetoday's Avatar
    I have ptsd and have some idea of what you are feeling today. Get in touch with your sleeve team maybe they can help. I was not able to exercise after my surgery and I have been successful and reached goal. I feel so much better now and I know you can too. Call the help line if you need to, they are there to listen and support. Blessings to you. Joanne
  2. kacie77's Avatar
    Hey Sweets sounds like you need to call the doctors office and get a game plan in order!
    I want you to come back and tell me 5 fabulous things about you and what you plan on doing this Summer when it's warmer outside.
    I will start with 5 thing fabulous about me!
    1. I am a great cook
    2. I think I am funny (in a smart ass kind of way)
    3. I dance like no one is watching
    4. I like my pretty blue eyes
    5. I like to take selfies

  3. Gordita's Avatar
    if you need hospitalization, go. they can give you hydration and/or nutrients via iv. and they also have dieticians who can feed you keeping allergies and new tummy in mind. if that's a course you think is best, don't let the diet aspect stop you. we're all here for moral support but if you need additional support, go get it. you are your best advocate. hugs-gordita
  4. jduford's Avatar
    I am not an expert, but from my experiences and first-hand knowledge, I am going to share what I know. I worked in a nursing home for 4.5 years and know that there are exercise programs out there for everyone. Just do a search on YouTube and see if you can find one that fits your needs.

    Also, PART of that cagey feeling is just being stuck inside for so long. My kids have been at each others' throats for because they want to go out and play but it is too cold (I think we only hit -35 degrees today). This cageyness is called sun-downers (depression due to winter weather). My grandmother (she is a massage therapist) promotes light therapy during the winter months. It makes you feel like an idiot, but it works. I've used it and I have seen it used on patients at the nursing home. Light therapy = 30-60 minutes a day with a flash light turned on pointed to your third eye (middle of your forehead). This will not do anything for your PTSD; however, it will help with the sun-downers. The light therapy and exercise will help with your general depression as well.

    I am advocating that if you have any signs that you will hurt yourself, please call someone. If you are unable to handle your situation, please call someone.

    I am praying for your mental health.
  5. peggy1's Avatar
    So sorry you're having such an emotional roller coaster ride! Prayers and Hugs! Definitely get ahold of your doc..... TALK to someone professional!
  6. Poji's Avatar
    I too suffer from mental illness and I thought I was prepared...nope...one of my meds is time-release...and it is going right through me (TMI, but I've seen the evidence ;/ ) Anyway - I got on the phone with my talk doc and my psychiatrist...I'm going to be okay...I know this because I have faced so many dark days, and I have gotten through them too...Try to remember all of the dark days you've made it through...Try coloring...Journaling...screaming into your pillow...come here and write every day...people are so wonderful here...I am on you side - and I hope you will reach out...to everyone, and everywhere possible...Bring Change to Mind - NAMI...There is help out there - go get it <3
  7. Shalon's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by kacie77
    tell me 5 fabulous things about you and what you plan on doing this Summer when it's warmer outside.
    Five things?

    IDK if they're fabulous

    But I can sell anything to just about anyone at work. All I need is a few minutes to figure out who they are and what they're there for.

    I'm the kind of person that others aren't afraid to lean on, I think it's because I accept my friends as they are and let them decide how we interact. I've been told it's a little bit because I forgive people too, but that sounds silly. I've been hurt so bad and hated so long that it was eating me up, so I stopped letting it have any more of my heart.

    I can sing, and play violin, and recorder, and bowed psaltery, and memorize music like other people eat cake. Those might sound like separate things but they're all tied up with the way that music talks to me.

    I love the color of my hair. Even after I cut it so short it's a beautiful brownish red that's unique and awesome.

    I can't think of a fifth thing right now, mostly because some of my favorite things about myself are currently changing because of the surgery and I don't know where they're going to land anymore. Well, maybe that's not true... I also know I can survive this. I can survive anything, and I will. I'm just having an especially difficult time right now.
    I've had worse.
    I think.
    But inside the bad moments it's incredibly hard to remember that. Especially since thinking about how much worse it's been just tends to make me even more depressed, thinking about what I don't have that so many other people take for granted.

    Thank you all for your supportive words. I need the support today.
  8. girliegirl777's Avatar
    Hi Shalon,

    Those are some great, positives about yourself. You sound like an amazing person. I have noticed that many people struggle with depression after weight loss surgery. It seems like there is a bit of mourning for the old you and also for food, which has been such a friend. Talking to a professional sounds like the best course of action here. And know that there are many supportive people on this forum

    Exercise really does help with depression. If you have cable or satellite tv, there are many fitness programs you can view on demand including several no or low impact ones. Give it a try and please let us know how you are doing.
  9. kacie77's Avatar
    Great job Shalon,

    I am proud of you for taking the time just to think about the 4 things. I must say playing all those instruments is quite amazing and something you should be super proud of. I can't play any type of instrument. I played the flute in middle school but that was along time ago.

    I hope you were able to walk with someone yesterday! This cold weather has all of us feeling blah!

  10. Shalon's Avatar
    It's not food. It's armor. Nothing fits, so I don't have any armor. Food and I were never really good friends anyway. I used to be a one meal a day woman. Don't get me wrong, I liked the taste of things, I still do, but I've always had to be reminded to eat more than once per day, unless a friend wanted to go out to eat.

    The thing is, I've always used clothing to feel secure. I was a jeans and boots girl when I could still find boots that fit my calves (a thing I'm looking forward to finding again as the weight drops) I've always put on jeans when I wanted to feel pretty. But the other day I realized I don't have any jeans that fit right anymore. My best ones require a belt. And they fit on the legs in a way that makes me feel yucky.

    The temporary solution is to go to Lane Bryant on my birthday and try on a new pair. But the long term solution eludes me right now. With no armor, I don't know how to face the world.
  11. Shalon's Avatar
    Update: I have a great pair of black boots that fit my calves now! And the depression has lifted, and I have SO much energy it's hard to find a way to tire myself out every day.