Judgement.
by
, 12-30-2013 at 09:59 AM (1567 Views)
I'm 23 days out from surgery and have only told my parents, brother, husband, 2 friends and my boss. (Oh, and you guys, if anyone is reading!) I'm really torn about this, but I think it's the best thing to do.
On one hand, if it's a positive thing, a GOOD thing, then why am I keeping it a secret? Oh, that's right, because I've been judged all my life. When you're fat, you're ALWAYS judged. Examples...
I went to the gym and heard people talk about me behind my back. "Why is SHE here? Is THAT what she's wearing?" Seriously? Judged.
Went to a restaurant and ordered off the low-cal menu. Waitress said, "Why don't you just get what you really want. What's it going to hurt?" Judged.
Went to a restaurant and ordered onion rings to split with my friends. Got "that look" (you know the look - when the 17 year old, 102 pound waitress takes your fried-food order with a look of pity/disgust on her face.) Judged.
Went into a meeting of marketing/PR people and I was the only one not wearing a tight, short dress or over 140 pounds. Judged.
I told my boss that I was getting sleeved and would need time off for appointments/recovery. Miss-120-pounds-hiker-cyclist-crunchy said, "Why not just eat less?" Judged.
Told my husband I was sorry I had let myself go and had to have surgery. He told me he wasn't "there for that" (meaning my weight gain). Where have you been the last 6 years? You know, when I gained 80 pounds. Where were you when I wanted to eat healthy and work out together? But you weren't "there for that"? Even by him. Judged.
Every time I look in the mirror. Judged.
I let myself be married to a man who repeatedly abused me, both emotionally and physically. Why did I do that? Because I wasn't good enough. Because I'd never find anyone that loved me. (This is an ex-husband. I got married at 18 and divorced at 20.) Judged.
I'm sick of being judged because I'm fat. I know, I know... people will ALWAYS judge people. They'll always make assumptions. But, I've never had the chance to be judged by my personality. My talent. My abilities. My passion. My opinions. Because, no matter what, before I ever opened my mouth or took off my coat, I was judged.
So why, then, would I put myself in a place to be judged by people for something I'm doing that's GOOD? Like my boss, people say "why don't you just eat less?" Oh, ok. I should try that. Why didn't I think of that? "Just go exercise..." Man! You're so smart! I should try that, too. SMH, people. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear that your sister's best friend's cousin's boyfriend's mom had this surgery and died. I don't want to listen to you tell me how you lost 20 pounds by only drinking water and eating saltine crackers. I certainly don't want to hear you say, "you're taking the easy way out!" because I might just smack you.
That means, though, that my support system is mostly going to be comprised of strangers. This forum, for one, and the support groups at my doctor's office. This might be a good thing since I have a tendency to be more honest with strangers and put on less of a "mask" to appear tough. So yes, I'm excited. Yes, I'm scared. Yes, I need to be told that it's all going to be ok in the end. That'll it's be tough as hell but it'll be worth it.
Ok, rant done. I need to get working... thanks for listening