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How did I get here?

Rating: 3 votes, 5.00 average.
I knew this last week might have an emotional high or low – wasn’t sure which, but had a feeling that I was going to face something…. That’s a yes…

Have spent the evening in tears off and on as I really hit rock bottom. I had to go to an professional development event after work, I struggled to walk there with my ever increasing sore knees, I struggled to get up the stairs to the theatrette, I struggled to stay awake in the meeting, I felt my belly fat as I tried to get comfortable and keep within the confines of my allotted space. I struggled to walk back to the car, climb the stairs in the car park and walk the length of that level to find the car and then do the double heave to get myself settled in the drivers seat. One heave gets you in the seat kinda sitting on one cheek with a leg not quite in, the next heave is to straighten up and get that leg pointing forward where it is meant to go. I hit the supermarket – picking up the ingredients to prepare a nice meal for my friend who is going to stay with me immediately after discharge from hospital. I waddle around the aisles feeling exhausted and sore and I just want to be home and out of the public eye. I get home, clutching bags and face more stairs.

I’m done. I have 3 days until surgery and I am just holding on. I’m flat, I’m whacked and I just don’t know how I got myself this big and why I thought that even putting on half a kilo was nothing to worry about. I have nothing to wear, I hurt and I feel ashamed to be seen like this. I swear I caught people taking an extra long look at me today – gobsmacked at just how fat I am.

I know it will all change with time and the sleeve and working this fantastic tool – but my concern is how I let it get so bad? Why wasn’t I looking out for myself? Why wasn’t I protecting myself?

I’m going to finish this now – have a shower, head to bed, grab the cat and pull the covers over my head and put the day behind me hoping that a good sleep will do me a world of good and tomorrow will be a better day.

Thanks for listening – hate to be a pain in the butt and general misery guts, but it all got the better of me and the cat is now furiously grooming away the tears I let drop on him. Good grief I’m such a fool to let this weight gain get the better of me.....seriously - how did I get here?

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  1. Darcybecky's Avatar
    Listen to Annie, the sun will come up tomorrow, and it WILL. Don't let it get the best of you, you have made choices to get back at it and you can do it! Turn that frown upside down and face the day. Sounds like you've already faced the music, so now, let the healing begin. Remember, you're not alone in your self-disappointment, we all have it. Every darn one of us. Rock bottom you say? I say there's only one way to go from there. No reason to wallow around down there. Start heading up. Rise to the top and realize that you got this!
  2. bergamini's Avatar
    We've all had that moment of "whom am I? how did I get here?". Having surgery because we couldn't control our food intake is a humbling experience for all of us. But it is also courageous because we are admitting we need help. These stomachs we have served us very well in different times but with nutrient rich food plentiful to most of us, additives and flavors spurring us on, hormones from our stomach raging and telling us to eat and empty calories everywhere, it isn't so hard. You are having your stomach "right sized" and are taking control. You are being bold to transform your life, that takes courage so don't be so hard on yourself. And best of luck with your surgery.
  3. WaywardSmiles's Avatar
    Sounds like you had a true look at yourself for the first time in years. I too wondered how I let myself get so big. Sure...it was the hysterectomy. Sure...it was the new man in my life who wanted to eat out all the time.Sure...it's my metabolism slowing since I'm 40. Sure...it was the IIH that prevented me from working out. It SURELY was me just comfortable with the first 10 pounds, then another pant size, then another 20 pounds, etc. It's easy to accept the weight gain when it comes on slowly.

    But then...we find ourselves in some frame of mind where it finally hits us. Why? How? When we finally ask, we are ready to make a change. If we can answer, we will never fail because we have learned our weaknesses. You began this journey the moment you decided to be sleeved. It sounds to me as you have been doing some soul-searching, which will only help you along this journey. Truebody, you're a winner and you will do awesome. Best wishes to you!
  4. Truebody's Avatar
    Thanks so much for the understanding and encouragement. It's not all bad....I've made the decision to change and that is the most important one.
  5. Rainbow's Avatar
    Good luck Truebody! I am rooting for you! By next year when you are down at least a hundred lbs you will be so grateful for what you have done for yourself that it helps with the anger and guilt you feel now. I wont lie, every time you see a old photo and remember how bad it got you will feel sad and angry at the wasted time you spent suffering with obesity. The trick to overcoming these negative emotions is to forgive yourself and focus on the healthy changes you have made both physically and EMOTIONALLY! You are already half-way there! Love Rainbow
  6. nanajana's Avatar
    Don't look behind, thats in the past. Live for today don't miss out on this moment you will never get it back. Look forward to tomorrow. You are a strong courageous diva and you will soon have the new you emerge into something you knew was there all along! Good luck I wish my surgery were that close! Keep me posted!
  7. speedracer's Avatar
    Your almost there......................
  8. louisianagirl55's Avatar
    Thank you for sharing your heart! That was a very amazing intimate look inside your life. Ive been in a similiar place and don't Wang to go back! So now a little over a year out I'm still watching my mouthfulls so I'm sure not to ever return to that painful lifestyle! Knees don't hurt anymore and so many more things!!!
  9. AmyJoGo's Avatar
    Just want to say that I empathize and love ya. We have all experienced why you've blogged about and get it. Now you're more aware and less likely to ignore the symptoms. You're gonna do great!
  10. mfgurka's Avatar
    I am 1 year post op and I lost 100 pounds but I am not doing good. I have gained 16 pounds in the last 3 month. Any help out there??????????????