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2bme

Doubts or is it fear??

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I feel like I am frozen: one minute I'm thinking yes, I'm ready to go ahead with the surgery and the next: I should try to lose weight on my own one more time because surgery is so drastic....

I fear the surgery (what if something goes wrong and I don't make it) - am I ready to leave (mostly) my daughter w/o me at this time? Even though there's a slim chance of this happening - it is still major surgery and a possiblity.

Then I think is the fear really once I drop the weight - I'm afraid I won't have anything to hide behind because if I am really truthful with myself, and I'm really trying to be because I think this is the real key to success, I hide behind the weight. What exactly am I hiding? I think the real me who I've buried so deep, I don't even know who she is anymore.

Is this the real reason I fail at diets? Even though the surgery helps, from reading the posts here, I know that we still have to watch what we eat, drink, etc if we really want to be successful. Will I be able to stop hiding and not sabatoge myself anymore even with this tool? Will I be set free and be successful?

I'm sorry for the really long post and if I'm sounding morbid but I feel that this is the only place I can be really honest. Has anyone else had these feelings? If so, how did you overcome them? Or how are you working through this?

I really don't want to fail yet again....

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  1. LindaS64's Avatar
    I have been in your shoes about 5 years ago and am sad to say I chickened out of the surgery. Five years later I am now again working towards weight loss surgery but this time instead of the bypass I am working towards the sleeve which seems much safer to me. In the last five years I have realized if I don't do something I won't be here for my kids and grandkids. I know the fear and the anxiety you have can be so powerful but if you are religious pray on it. Also make a list of pros and cons and I would strongly encourage you to talk to a therapist about how you are feeling. I did all these things myself and I am back to start with the surgery this time realizing its no longer a choice. My health has gone downhill in the last five years.

    I really do wish you strenth to get through this and I will help support you in any way I can.
  2. Truebody's Avatar
    Hey there I am also in your shoes.
    Been fighting fat my entire life and don't see that ever changing for me - with or without the sleeve. I will always have to watch what I eat.
    Having said that, it seems my biggest issue is my head, so addressing that with research and reading. There is a book by Cynthia Alexander Emotional First Aid Kit: Life after Bariatric Surgery that I have started with to help me address these issues. In all likelihood I'm going to need ongoing counselling after the op if I do decide to go ahead because my bad eating behaviours are so entrenched. I simply don't know who I am without food as a crutch.
    Keep posting and I look forward to being in touch again as you go through the process.
    I'm 55 and I want to have a good crack at life as a normal weight person before I die.
  3. SoNotABarbie's Avatar
    I think if you're having doubts you shouldn't get the surgery because the surgery is final. Take more time until you're 100% sure this is what you want to do.
  4. WyomingDiva's Avatar
    I hear you, sister. I have been working this weekend on the book "Don't Diet, Live It Workbook" because I am worried about the emotional aspect of weight loss sabotaging the effects of the VSG surgery! Hang in there and find a resource that works for you.
  5. bhoffman57's Avatar
    I just had my sleeve this part Wednesday. I too had the fears. "If i can do the pre-op, why can't i just keep dieting?". Is this really necessary? what if something goes wrong? even the day after surgery i said "what did i do?

    But here, 4 days later, I know it was the only choice for me. I was more worried that i wouldn't be around if I DIDN't have the surgery. My health was my main concern.

    I have to say, I feel fine. I am still on liquids, but other than that, i feel like my old (but 25lbs thinner) self. I can't wait to start each day.

    The sleeve is permanent, but that is what we are looking for - a permanent solution.

    Or, try the band, which is reversible...

    Any way you go, good luck to you
  6. miral adham's Avatar
    i had my sleeve in last december about 2 month n half
    the sleeve isn't easy u have the think too much coz it will change ur life not only u will loose ur weight
    i had 1 month only clear liquid diet it was hard even i have 3 daughters the bigger 5 years
    now i can eat everything but only 2 bites n i have to stop coz i feel full
    its sound good that u will not be able to eat too much n u will lose weight but in real u may feel bad because u can't enjoy food which is healthy and low calorie

    if u eat high calorie food not too much food i think u have to try diet n exercises not sleeve

    i don't want to make u more afraid from sleeve but i want u to think carefully about it
    u have to know it will change ur life n ur habits
  7. Marquisha0116's Avatar
    It took me 2 years to finally decide to go through with it...I too believed that I wasn't that big and could just do it on my own...but after saying it every year for the last 20+ years, it starts getting old and reality hits...I need help to do this...I can't do it on my own...somebody heard my prayers because along came the sleeve...and Lord knows this was what I and many of us needed to get back to a healthier lifestyle....No regrets!...I love my sleeve!!!!
  8. niamh's Avatar
    I had exactly the same oscillating thoughts based on fears and doubts. What I did (and I have done before with other decisions I am struggling with), was that I gave myself a whole weekend of thinking and behaving as though I had definitely made the decision to go ahead with the sleeve. So instead of saying to myself "if I have the surgery", I would say to myself "after I have the surgery". And I did lots of putting myself forward in my mind to after the surgery, and what it would be like (both good and bad aspects), but without rethinking the decision. And then when I felt a rush of fear or doubt I would remind myself of the reasons I was making the decision, and not oscillate. The reason I did this was as a way of exposing myself to the fear and not avoiding/withdrawing by changing my mind. What then happens is that if you allow yourself to remain exposed to the anxiety, you habituate to it (i.e. the level of anxiety goes down - your body can't remain in intense fear over an extended period - it's a short-term response). So then after the weekend was over, I thought again about whether I wanted it, without the fear so strongly influencing my decision process. It was a resounding yes and I've not had a moment of regret.

    By the way, I'm a clinical psychologist, so this is the kind of stuff that is fairly second nature to me in terms of ways of understanding and coping with anxiety. I'm quite an anxious/worrier person by nature so it hasn't made that go away altogether - I'm just a bit more knowledgeable about how to respond to it. Good luck.
  9. rn2babes's Avatar
    Wow! Great topic. I'm with 2beme. I've had in my mind March 11 for my surgery, always with the questions: do I need it? Can't I try one more time? When to do it? And you're right, if we can do it in the pre-op, why not for life?

    Lotsa great suggestions above by people who really get it. So now what? I have no idea. I've always tried to live by "If you don't know what to do, don't do anything". So I'm waiting. I'm keeping "MyFitnessPal" next to me, and living as though I'm preparing for surgery, but I'm not scheduling yet. I don't want to schedule, only to cancel.

    When you know, you'll know.
  10. lmr1101's Avatar
    I HAVE MY SURGERY DATE AND I AM SCARED TO DEATH! MY ANXIETY IS REALLY JUST THE SURGERY ITSELF. I AM THE BIGGEST BABY WHEN IT COMES TO NEEDLES, BLOOD AND JUST THE THOUGHTS OF SOMETHING GOING WRONG. I'M GOING THROUGH WTH IT BECAUSE I WANT TO BE ABLE TO ENJOY THE REST OF MY LIFE
  11. Bilby's Avatar
    I plan to lose 50% of my weight before surgery to ensure I have developed good lifestyle changes and to be in as good a physical condition as possible. All of us can lose weight, we have lost the same weight over and over. The sleeve for me is to help me not regain. I will not change my mind. I am better prepared to be reading and learning so much from those who venture before me .... Thanks to all
  12. niamh's Avatar
    rn2babes - I think the approach of "if you don't know what to do, don't do anything" is a road to disappointment and regret in life. Often we can't possibly know what things will be like so will always have an element of doubt. Obviously the more irreversible something is, the more important it is to be at least pretty sure, but I try and live much more by the approach of "if you don't know what to do for sure, pick something and try it out anyway".

    My father is a fearful and anxious man - I look positively laid back compared to him. He's lived a very cautious and unvaried life. As I make decisions in life, he now says to me regularly "I wish I'd done what you did, and moved overseas for a while" or "I wish I'd been brave enough to change jobs". He's 70, and feels like he's missed out on huge amounts in life.

    But really the take home message is this - don't kid yourself that doing nothing isn't making a decision. It is. It's making a decision to stay the same by default. If you don't want things to remain the same, then you better do something.
  13. niamh's Avatar
    Sorry, another thing to 2bme (original poster). I really get that you're frightened about having nothing to hide behind when you lose all the weight. But the best way to fix that problem is to grapple with it.

    Fear distorts our perception and makes us believe that we can't cope with things, it's a myth. Human beings are hugely capable of all sorts of stuff we can't possibly imagine we could cope with. But we generally can't know it until we are thrown into the situation and are forced to find a way out of it, in spite of our fear.

    So, the mind set is just that, "yes it's scarey. and I will deal with it as and when it happens". You can't cross a bridge you're not at yet. Next step forward, and deal with what comes up there.

    By the way, this is not me telling you I think you should have the surgery. I'm just saying that I don't think it's helpful to use fear as part of the decision-making equation.

    "A life lived in fear is a life half lived"
  14. duben3's Avatar
    I've had so many of these same thoughts over the last few months. I'm a worrier, if I don't worry i worry...it's just a given for me! Reading everyone's take on this brought tears to my eyes because I know where you're all coming from. Just when I feel I've made my decision to go ahead with it, I discuss it with my daughter and she tells me she doesn't agree with me on this. She feels that it's too drastic and I haven't given diet and exercise enough of a chance. It's difficult to deal with at times and I feel like she's scolding me and wonder at the same time where she's been for the last 21 years that she hasn't seen my constant struggle and all I've tried. I guess that's why I like this site so much, because we can be honest with each other and support each other no matter what are choice is. I'm only human and I'm tired of this struggle, I don't think I can even remember ever being at a healthy weight! I want to be here for all of my kids, I'm my oldest daughter's guardian and want to be here for her as well. Maybe even one day I'll be able to enjoy being a grandma.
  15. juniper's Avatar
    i understand your stress. i went thru that as well, i am sure many of us have. It is life changing and something you can not reverse. I did this because i am in my 50's and i do NOT want to develop diabetes and loose my limbs to my body rotting. yes this happens with diabetes. my mother just had her leg cut off due to this. I already had high blood pressure which is a leading cause of strokes. I am NO LONGER taking blood pressure meds, i am down 42 lbs in just 8 weeks, that is remarkable to me! i have never been on a diet that i lost that much weight before giving up and gaining all the weight back and more. Good luck with your decision
  16. Lucy61's Avatar
    Fear is good - it is your sanity check, I don't there there is a single person having any WLS does not have it before surgery, then the day or two afterwards we ask ourselves what did I do, but once the healing is done it is AWESOME - for the first time in my life I am in control of my eating, I no longer have the cravings and ability to sit down and eat a pizza by myself. I am 3 months out and I never thought I would be able to have this kind of control - I would do the surgery again knowing what I know now. (PS the only pills I take now is my vitimans)
  17. 2bme's Avatar
    I'm sorry I'm a little late coming back to this but I didn't see it until now?? Not sure why but anyway I want to thank all of you for your responses. They have truly helped. I have an appointment with the surgeon on Tuesday. I'll let you all know how it went.

    I'm still afraid but am going to try to "Feel the fear and do it anyway".