How did I get here?
by
, 05-06-2013 at 09:23 AM (1739 Views)
I knew this last week might have an emotional high or low – wasn’t sure which, but had a feeling that I was going to face something…. That’s a yes…
Have spent the evening in tears off and on as I really hit rock bottom. I had to go to an professional development event after work, I struggled to walk there with my ever increasing sore knees, I struggled to get up the stairs to the theatrette, I struggled to stay awake in the meeting, I felt my belly fat as I tried to get comfortable and keep within the confines of my allotted space. I struggled to walk back to the car, climb the stairs in the car park and walk the length of that level to find the car and then do the double heave to get myself settled in the drivers seat. One heave gets you in the seat kinda sitting on one cheek with a leg not quite in, the next heave is to straighten up and get that leg pointing forward where it is meant to go. I hit the supermarket – picking up the ingredients to prepare a nice meal for my friend who is going to stay with me immediately after discharge from hospital. I waddle around the aisles feeling exhausted and sore and I just want to be home and out of the public eye. I get home, clutching bags and face more stairs.
I’m done. I have 3 days until surgery and I am just holding on. I’m flat, I’m whacked and I just don’t know how I got myself this big and why I thought that even putting on half a kilo was nothing to worry about. I have nothing to wear, I hurt and I feel ashamed to be seen like this. I swear I caught people taking an extra long look at me today – gobsmacked at just how fat I am.
I know it will all change with time and the sleeve and working this fantastic tool – but my concern is how I let it get so bad? Why wasn’t I looking out for myself? Why wasn’t I protecting myself?
I’m going to finish this now – have a shower, head to bed, grab the cat and pull the covers over my head and put the day behind me hoping that a good sleep will do me a world of good and tomorrow will be a better day.
Thanks for listening – hate to be a pain in the butt and general misery guts, but it all got the better of me and the cat is now furiously grooming away the tears I let drop on him. Good grief I’m such a fool to let this weight gain get the better of me.....seriously - how did I get here?