so my weekend was long...on the way out to my inlaws I saw a sign for a crematorium...and it just brought back a flood of memories from my folkds passing 12 years ago...then I spend the whole day being blah at the family crawfish boil at a cousins house..and there were a bunch of younger people there and older family..I don’t know what it is..i guess I miss being younger and hanging out and partying…but then on the other hand I don’t…I did all that already and am over it to a degree..but being over at the cousin's and his friends were there and every one was having a good time…and I was the solo one…the fat one…the big girl…and I was wishing it was after my surgery and it shouldn’t be a big deal to me but it was…i was just a bit uncomfortable…and then I was a lil bit jealous too… cuz he has this big ol’ house..and it is nice and he had this lil add on..’game’ room..and neons and tv’s and such…and just in general..and I don’t have my house yet or stuff like that…its just different out in texas vs. california…cuz all the homes are so much nicer and bigger then back in cali…and money out here buys a lot more…I know …I am blessed with a beautiful daughter ..a man that loves me…and I have a place to live…I just at times get really materialistic…I am 42 years old almost and don’t have much to show for it..i do have to remember that I had a big bump in my life with my parent passing …that pretty much took up my 30’s…between grieving for them and doing what I was doing…and I wasn’t sober for most of it…so I guess now in my 40’s I am doing what I should have been doing in my 30’s…I know some day I will have my house ....…and will be able to have a yard and work in it and have a garage…and a so forth…I just feel bad sometimes…and then I really feel bad that I went thru sooooo much money of my parent’s and have nothing to show for it…I had a truck that i paid cash for but that is now gone and I am back to making a car payment...so I am back to square one of sorts…well not really…there is my daughter of course…and she is everything…

Just a lil bit about how I am feeling……so I should be thankful for what I have and I am very thankful..I just have my moments is all..

I am just feeling so up and down right now..and the waiting game for the suregery and wanting to move on with my life and not live this part of my life anylonger...the fat part..i want to start the skinny part of my life...man...Oh well..just wanted to share some of what I am going thru...maybe it will help some one else...

today is my last weigh in appt...and then I wait for approval and my surgery date..so close ...