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calicojack42

To the Newly Sleeved, and the Pre-Op

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Hang in there.

Exactly one week ago, at the minute I am typing this, I was lying on an operating room table being told to breathe deep. The next thing I remember (though this is hazy) is waking up in recovery being told that everything went just fine.

The remainder of the day was spent in my hospital room dealing with the pain of the remaining air bubbles in my abdomen as they worked their way around. The only blessings I had at that time were the pain pump in my hand, my wife, and my mother. Together we pulled through.

The first night was restless, mostly. Walking helped to get everything in the position it needed to be in, so when not under the influence of the dilaudid, I was slowly walking laps around the wing I was in. This by the way, was much to the delight of the nursing staff.

The next day, under the stress of pain and little sleep, depression and regret worked its way into my psyche. I was taken down to radiology for my swallow study, and sent back up to my room. As I was wheeled in, I saw my wife was there. She smiled at me, and I lost it. She held me as I came to terms with myself.

I was given a small one-ounce cup of water, and told to drink it over the course of one hour- 1/4 ounce every 15 minutes. This seemingly simple task took on epic proportions as I learned after that first sip, my stomach was not yet ready to cooperate.

As the day progressed, I graduated from one ounce every hour to two. If I could manage three, then I would be discharged. I couldn't. Later that evening, they gave me a very small but powerful narcotic pill, as the pain pump had been removed. It couldn't have been bigger than an uncooked grain of rice, but at that moment it looked to me to be bigger than a horse pill, and the mere thought of taking it made me hurt. After the nurse assured me that I would be able to digest it, I complied. That night I finally slept.

Wednesday I awoke feeling better. By now I was taking the wing in two-lap walks, and I was able to tolerate the full three ounces. By 11:00 AM, I was discharged under the care of my wife. I felt great! Well, as good as I had been in the last couple of days. On our way home though, we passed a restaurant. I could smell bacon cooking, and the part of my brain activated by this scent came online. This section wasn't aware of what had taken place this week, and demanded food. The feeling of hunger was almost actual. I wanted to stop- to reward myself for having gone through this. But, I knew that there would be no chance of digesting anything they offer. I realized in this moment that what had occurred on that operating room table was permanent.

Depression had arrived with its bags packed for a long stay.

For the days following, I was constantly distracted by depression, regret, and self loathing that I had done this to myself- of and under my own volition. My wife, whose patience could overflow the world's oceans, was my saving grace in this period. She kept me on my protein shake schedule, kept me walking, woke me up in the mornings when all I wanted to do was sleep and not face reality. Every ounce of liquid hurt. "The Pinch," I've heard it called. Apropo.

It seemed that every commercial was for some type of delicious tempting food. I loathe mushrooms, but if one had been in one of these commercials, I would have felt hunger for it. I knew that this was all in my head, but at the time this knowledge did not help to reduce the desire- realization- regret- depression cycle I was trapped in.

But, every day got a little easier. On the Tuesday after my surgery, as I sat in silence trying to cope with what happened, my nurse, Jen, came in and told me that all of the patients that she's worked with have felt remorse in the first week. She said that most of the regret would pass by next Monday.

As I sit here and type out this one-week odyssey, I revel in the fact that she was right. Little by little the spoiled monster that lives somewhere in my id has been quieted, his temper tantrums are growing more and more silent. I have steps to go- two more weeks of protein shakes and I graduate again onto pureed food. I'm looking forward to eggs again.

For the recently sleeved, I write this in the hopes that you will gain from what I was not prepared for. The first week is not sunshine. For some it takes until the fourth week or farther. Take hope, however- things will get better. Each time you feel like looking back and saying "I'll never eat X again..." Change it to "I can't eat X right now, but I will someday, and it'll be great"

For those who are pre-op. Don't be too afraid of recovery. Take what I've been through and try to get through it. It's worth it. My weight right now is the lowest it's been since I was a freshman in high school

I feel great.

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Comments

  1. calicojack42's Avatar
    Oh, and another thing I forgot to mention. The Pinch is almost completely gone now. I can't GULP my liquids, but I handle them just fine.
  2. MrsB0324's Avatar
    Remarkable story. It's amazing what we learn about ourselves when push comes to shove. You came out on the right side of your doubts and demons. There's only up from here! Good luck and may God bless each of your steps you take in your journey to a healthier you!
  3. ladyleegal's Avatar
    Your post is right on point...I definitely had buyers remorse the first couple of days, not because of pain, I had very little and what I did have was well controlled with pain meds, and I had virtually no gas pain at all, but as one other blogger stated I was feeling "buyers remorse"! Which was EXACTLY how I felt. I also felt on days 3-4-5 a little claustrophobic, with just water and protein shakes, SF popsicles, it was such a weird feeling and unexplainable but that also passed. When I awoke on the 6th morning after surgery I finally felt very close to normal and each day was better. Tomorrow is 2 weeks post op, Wednesday is the start of my 3rd week, so I am close to the pureed mark (for one week) then starting on my new life of eating...(slowly!)
  4. Breen's Avatar
    This will help a lot of people because it is spot on! Glad you are feeling better. I love my sleeve 5 weeks out! I don't have an opportunity to stress eat, I really needed to end that cycle to live a long life for my kids.
  5. tdl0975's Avatar
    I would say you are 100% correct. It does get easier. I was sleeved on Tuesday at 900 am. And I was going thru this too. Still am a little only the fact that every little pain or out of the ordinary feeling I get worried. Thankfully they are going away. Good luck on your journey!
  6. Nel's Avatar
    Kudos to you for being so honest. I was definitely unprepared for this experience, and I definitely had buyer's remorse. But I pushed through because I knew it was for the best - and I am so glad I did it. You are 2 days ahead of me; I am anxious to see how we are doing in 6 months! Best of luck to you!
  7. Washington8004's Avatar
    Thank you so much for the time you put into this post...it's exactly what I've been looking for as well as fearful of, the unknown! Thank you for your candor, and I'm so glad your days are beginning to brighten up!
  8. sleevedinNJ2013's Avatar
    Thank you for your post. I am pre-op, surgery date on 9-12 and am looking for as much information be it good or bad as I can. This helps give me an idea of what may happen after my surgery. Good Luck.
  9. jrenee63's Avatar
    Beautifully and eloquently stated sir. Thank you for the insight, encouragement, and honesty.
  10. CoComom's Avatar
    Thank you for your honest post. I am scheduled for next tuesday and I can't read enough about the recovery. I want to be prepared for the worst.
  11. Kimpossible318's Avatar
    Thank you for this! =)
  12. Sammy0508's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by calicojack42
    Oh, and another thing I forgot to mention. The Pinch is almost completely gone now. I can't GULP my liquids, but I handle them just fine.
    Thank you for the insight into the beginning of your sleeve experience. I helps to know that quite a few people have initiale regrets. Who wouldn't? You just said good-bye to your best friend...Food. Keep us posted on your progress, ups/downs.

    Thanks!
  13. Slove's Avatar
    Very accurate portrayal, although I havent regretted it, I do feel completely week and like I won't make it through the clear liquid stage. I know I will but the doubt is there doing its best to undermine what little confidence I can muster at this point. We are stronger than we think or we would never have chosen this as our path.
  14. chobbs77562's Avatar
    Thank you so much for writing this. It will help knowing what might happen. I am very lucky , that I have a good support system. Any information that anyone can give me will gladly be received. I have my surgery on 8/26. Will go for my pre=op tomorrow. As one person said, it is hard to say good bye to your friend, food. I totally agree with that.
  15. Wake up's Avatar
    Thanks for the view into the "unknown"!
  16. DJ'sMom's Avatar
    Thanks for posting. I'm feeling regretful today and really need to hear this. Wishing you continued good luck!
  17. tbrown9's Avatar
    Wonderfully written. Thanks for sharing!
  18. kstarnes77's Avatar
    You are gifted with your ability to write well and candidly, love it!