Advice, Please: Husband not helpful.

[Jill S]

This may be entirely the wrong place for this, but my husband has suffered, off and on, from depression his whole life. He has sunk into a severe depression since I came home from the hospital. That night, in fact, he went outside and started arguing with a neighbor, despite my begging him no to because I couldn't handle the stress.

Isn't a spouse supposed to be there for you after the surgery? We had long talks about this before the surgery, but once depression takes hold it's as if those talks never took place. For the past two+ weeks, he has been nasty, critical, and despondent. I can't eat even what I'm supposed to eat, and my stomach (what little is left of it) is in knots all the time. I have spoken with my therapist and she has been helpful, but how do people manage the post-surgery phase when they are on their own? I feel foolish thinking that I could have depended on him and need to start living my life on my own. I just don't know if I have the strength.

I don't know what to do. I lost my second job, which made it possible to pay the mortgage, he's unemployed, and I don't have the money to leave (plus I can't leave my regular full-time job).

I just need some encouragement, I think. I certainly don't get any at home.

Thanks.

[niamh]

Sorry to hear about this for you - it sounds very stressful. I guess that regardless of what a spouse is 'supposed' to do, we each find ourselves dealing with things as they are, rather than as we wish they were. You can't force him to be different than he is, but you can try and emotionally and mentally distance yourself from feeling responsible for his depression while you are taking better care of yourself. I'm guessing that you have been the strong supportive one in the past when he's depressed, so it must be really difficult for you to watch him sink into a depression and not be able to do what you used to do.

It's not uncommon for spouses to become insecure as a result of the surgery. My husband has been very loving and supportive and we have been close throughout, but he has occasionally expressed concerns along the way that I might leave him when I lost weight. Marital breakups are not uncommon post-sleeve, when the changes that one partner chooses highlights some underlying issues.

Are there people in your extended family or friends on either side that can offer some support to either or both of you? It's obviously a tough time for both of you when you are physically weak and dealing with all the mental changes post-op, while he is sinking into depression.

Anyway, please do come back and keep posting. We're here for you.

[Jill S]

Thanks. I've been thinking about leaving him for two years. I even said, at the group meetings before the surgery, that I was worried that the surgery might make me leave my husband. I kept thinking that his depression was just due to his unemployment, but the fact is that even if that's true, I don't think I deserve to be with someone who will not support me while I go through something as life-changing as this. I just can't believe someone would be this self-involved and selfish, even with severe depression.

[niamh]

I don't know if you've ever been severely depressed, but for some people it seems to render them incapable of empathy and other-focus. So whether it's a choice or not is up for debate.

But regardless of whether or not the person is behaving as they are by choice, you still as much as anyone else deserve a life where you feel loved and cared for. You deserve to be in relationships (marital, family, friendships etc) which are supportive and mindful of your needs. If you need to leave to take care of your needs, then that can be ok.

Has your husband had any psychological treatment as well as medication? Have the two of you had any counselling/therapy together? These options can be really important in either improving things, and/or to come to a conclusion about ending things as healthily as possible.

Best of luck with it all. Congratulations on making the choice to have the sleeve to regain your health. For me, having had the sleeve, it has helped me gain momentum to make other positive changes in my life (unrelated to diet and exercise), because of the sense that I was back in control and wanting to generally improve things. I'm sure it's common that people examine other areas of their life more closely having made the commitment to their health and wellbeing with the sleeve.

[Jill S]

We've done tons of counseling, he's done tons of counseling, he's on medication. It doesn't matter. Nothing changes.

If I had the money to go it alone right now, I would. I told him that he should apply for jobs everywhere in the country, that I would sell the house, quit my job, and move back in with my parents in my home state.

He said that's not what he wants. I think what he really wants is the freedom to behave any way he wants, and treat me any way he wants, without consequence.

I just need some coping strategies to help protect my health until I'm a few weeks more past surgery and stronger. Anyone have any ideas?

[lil_lisa]

Sounds like my husband, in fact at the psych eval I told the doc that my hub was a main stressor in my binge eating and he said if I dont resolve that i may only lose like 50 lbs and not go furthur because I would go back to my binge habits to deal. So he wanted me to get more counseling to find other ways to deal with my stressors. So I made a list to help me, drink water, exercise, go do something, a project or something, or even just express emotions, like cry if you need to. Haven't given it to the doc yet, next appt. Hope he will find that enough. I know its hard with a hub who has depression issues, actually we both do, but express it differently, he gets mad like your husband. I understand wanting to leave, I have thought of that many times also, but as you said financially it is not on the table for me. If you need to talk we can, not sure I have more answers for you tho other than I'm going through the same things.

[reading mom]

It sounds like you just need to take care of yourself. Focus on getting in all your fluids and your protein. Take long walks. If it is too hot outside go to the mall and walk in the ac. Walking is good for your body, but it also will help reduce your stress. I still don't love exercise, but I'm learning it really does help me regain my equilibrium on those days life is stressing me out! Also I have found hanging out here on this forum has been helpful and supportive for me. Wishing you all the best! I hope to see you around!

[Suega]

First of all, hugs to you! I'm sorry your dealing with this. I understand what you are going through. My mom had severe depression and my husband has mild depression and to put it plainly , it just sucks! I also though of leaving him because I couldn't handle it and I didn't want to go down with him. Finally I had an honest talk with him About it. I was fortunate enough to convince my husband to get help and medication and this has helped so much. He is much better and so is our relationship. Maybe this is an option for you. But remember he has to do it, you can't do it for him and may be he gave up already. If so it will be hard to talk him in to anything. If things dont work remember to TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF FIRST! depression is a nasty disease and even harder on the family who has to deal with it. Also remember why you got the surgery and what you goals were. You did it for you and even if your husband was ok he couldnt do the work for you. You sound like a strong woman and you would have to be just to go through this as long as you have, so i know you can get through this. If your husband won't get help or if things get worse do what you have to do for yourself . Focus on the simple things: get your fluids and exercise. HUGS !

[niamh]

It sounds like you're certain in your mind that you don't want to be with him any more. I realise it's stressful while you're living together, but why not make the mental shift away from feeling closely tied to him, and realise that you're in close proximity because of circumstance rather than desire to be together. If you make this shift, you can stop expecting/hoping that he will behave like a supportive spouse and get on with taking care of yourself. It will be difficult, but manage all your own meal planning, exercising, etc. Make plans with friends and families and don't include him. Do things for yourself, and let him be responsible for himself.

[Narasweet]

Poor you honey, but believe me he is not doing this on purpose, severe depression is terrible, my husband had a breakdown and stopped working more than 7 years ago. For a year when I went to work, I would be nervous coming home as I did not know what I would find, he was suicidal..but we survived. His troubles were all he spoke about, and telling different people became part of his therapy..one day we were at a motorbike ( Ulysses) brunch at a table with about 6 others, a woman I hardly knew asked me to come outside to look at her new bike, she led me well away, turned and said, and what about you? I still tear up to this day as all too often people forget about the carers who tend to suffer alongside their partner silently grieving for the one they have lost. My man has come a long way, works hard at it but there are times when I still yearn for the man he could have been with that black dog bastard weighing him down.

So look after yourself, keep in touch with good friends and family, and us. The first few weeks after surgery are hard but it will get better, I promise you, take one day at a time, do not try to make any life changing choices ..not yet, just heal and be gentle with yourself. I feel for you more than words can express, feel free to private msg if I can help or just cos.

May the best in life, love and happiness be ahead of you. Christine x x x

[MysticalMaybe]

Dont let his depression take you down. This is how my man is and when I get to the boiling point I tell him off... he is ALWAYS negitive. I just lost 20 more pounds and all he could say was you didnt need surgery you could have just starved yourself like your doing now... Its Bullsh!t and I let him know it.

I dont care if it hurts him to know that his depression needs to stop. I'm not going to treat him like a baby because he has it. I'm also not going to stop being in a good mood because hes not. This is YOUR life dont you want to be happy? Do what ever you want to do to make yourself happy. Dont walk on those egg shells because of him.

If you made up your mind to leave him then do so when you feel better, I know its tuff. I was in an abusive relationship before and thought i would never leave. I left him 8 years ago.. when you have had enough you will leave.

[Matthewsiv]

Ok

I am a man who is a manic depressive who is also compulsive.

You need to plan your day and food and exercise and stick to it.

If your husband is too lazy to get a job of any kind to help,then he is a loser.

You are the wife,he should be bringing the bacon in ,not you.

How old are you and how long have you been married and of that time how long was your husband in work ?

The above questions will give you your answers.

If you do not love him anymore and you do not respect him,get the hell out of there.

Go back to your parents.

Do not forget small 4 ounce meals and 64 ounces of water a day and exercise.

That is all you need to do.

[Ladyinwaiting]

Life is short and you can not stay with someone because of a house. My husband whole family is like your husband. It is not fair to you to work two jobs and he works none. That being aside, you have to decide, seperate from the sleeve how you feel about him. None of us can tell you what to do. But it sounds to me like you've made your decision, you are trying to justify it. Best wishes in your decision, hard to make, I am sure.

[Jill S]

Dear Matthewsiv:

I completely reject the outdated and misogynistic idea that a man is supposed to be the breadwinner. That idea stresses me out even more than the current situation. The fact is that I have a Ph.D., and am highly respected in my field. My husband is even more educated but is caught in a field in which there is a hiring slump. It is not his fault that he cannot get a job. For someone like him, it is not as simple as filling out an application at Home Depot and start "bringing home the bacon." Statistically, it's dangerous and incorrect to assume that any unemployed person is "lazy."

I find your ideas really insulting and offensive. Just because I don't think he is a supportive husband right now, and that we're probably not a good match, does not mean I think he's a "loser."

Why is everything so black and white to some people?

[Matthewsiv]

Jill S

You are moaning about your husband not working and that you are unhappy about that and your relationship and his support of you.

Before you tear me apart.

I would never have said this on a website,more fool you,please God forbid your husband does not read it !

Secondly ,qualifications these days do not get you very far in today's world.

If you are in economic difficulties you have to take any job you can get

But if you do not mind him not working,then you should not moan about it.

I was trying to offer you support.

I am sorry to have upset you.

I wish you all the best.