The 'concern trolls' are at it...

[RehabNurse]

I was sleeved nearly two years ago and gradually reached my goal weight a few months ago. I suppose I am fortunate because no one's made unsupportive comments to my face (I live alone and my family is out of state).

I spent Christmas at my best friend's house. I'll mention that my best friend was sleeved this summer against her family's wishes and is still actively losing. In other words, she has a mostly unsupportive family when it comes to weight loss.

Yesterday she telephoned me saying, "My husband, sister, and brother-in-law were asking when my weight loss would stop. They all say you've lost too much weight and don't want me to become as small as you. I told them that their views on body image are the problem. They all got mad when I said that." She then proceeded to say that her sister was criticizing my body, saying that I had a nice shape back when I was big, but now I have no boobs or ass.

Here's some background info...we're all black, and thicker body types are valued in the black community. I am originally from California, where thinness is acceptable while obesity is seen as unhealthy. On the other hand, my friend and her family are from Louisiana where overweight and obesity are the norm.

My BMI is a 22, which is squarely in the normal-weight range. However, these peoples' perceptions are so skewed that normal-weight people appear "too skinny" to them. I should also mention that all of my friend's concern-trollish family members have weight problems to varying degrees:

1. Her mother is 4'11, nearly 300 pounds and a size 22
2. Her sister is 5'3, 170 pounds and in a size 12 to 14
3. Her husband is 5'6, 190 pounds and stumpy with a huge belly

My friend is 5'5, was sleeved at 225 pounds, currently weighs 170, and has a goal weight of 155. I guarantee she won't become "too skinny" because her weight loss has been slow (5 pounds monthly) during this honeymoon phase, plus she eats many carbs, drinks alcohol, and exercises only occasionally.

Let me be clear...my opinion on my body is what matters, and I like my normal-weight body better than my obese one. Still, it annoys me that people focus on the cosmetic issues while completely ignoring the health hazards associated with being obese.

My friend had a heart condition, prediabetes, high blood pressure controlled by five different medications, and a thyroid issue. Would her husband support her in 10 years by driving her to the dialysis center three times weekly? Diabetes and high blood pressure eventually destroy the kidneys. Would her sister support her by giving her CPR when her heart eventually stopped? Their father died at age 44 of congestive heart failure.

My point is that these people fixate on thickness and curves to their detriment. However, what is the point of big breasts and a bubble butt when you are so overweight that your health issues will kill you in an untimely manner?

By the way, one of the concern trolls (my friend's sister) is on yet another diet and considering a personal trainer. Deep down, she is insecure with her body and was happiest when she weighed 125 and wore a size 6. Nonetheless, she puts on this confident front. I personally believe that people who are comfortable in their own skin don't focus so intently on others.

Another observation...none of the concern trolls seems concerned about other family members and friends who are morbidly obese. Nobody expresses concern over the friend who eat six plates of food at the all-you-can-eat buffet, but the normal-weight person who eats reasonable portions is the subject of negative attention. It's ass-backwards.

[BelleKreyol]

It definitely is annoying. For me when I was at my lowest 147 lbs I heard it non-stop that I needed to stop losing weight. And now that I've gained a significant weight back, I hear you shouldn't gain any more weight. We get conflicting messages from everywhere. It's our families, colleagues, media, it's really everywhere. To tell you the truth I think we just get nosy and think we're entitled to having an opinion about other people's bodies, when in reality it doesn't concern us. We troll women whether they are thin, fat, big booty and flat backs. The haters must find something to say. So, be happy in your weight loss because you did it for you and only you. I don't know that you can change their viewpoint, but maybe it's an opportunity to highlight the undue stress we put on women concerning their weight.

Belle

[BAMR]

OMG i dream of the day when someone tells me I'm too skinny or need to stop losing weight! Curves are nice, however i feel being healthy is whats important.
If you and your friend are happy and healthy then give yourselves a pat on each others smaller asses and pay no mind to the people who feel the need to say crap when they have no clue. Inside they are probably just jealous of what you and your friend did and accomplished. Sometimes people cant be happy for other peoples success nowadays and thats pretty sad (even sadder when its family)

[Ann2]

RehabNurse, you know what I'd say -- with lots of F-bombs. I may go ahead and say them later.

Obviously, your friends' family members' opinions about you don't matter to you. I think you're just mainly concerned about your friend's future and her health.

I am 5'5" and weigh 135 pounds and have for a little over a year. Yes, losing 100 pounds was a huge big accomplishment for me. But keeping those 100 pounds off for over a year is, as you well know, a much bigger accomplishment.

My BMI at 135 and my height is 22.5. I'm also a skinny bitch! And I could not be happier.

Weirdly, a year ago 135 pounds seemed a bit *slim* to me. A year later, it just seems NORMAL. Because it is literally normal.

It's a fucked-up body-image society we live in, especially Down South where so many, many people, black AND white, are so obese. (I grew up down there, although I don't live there now.)

I could talk a lot more about this. And may do so later, but I have to go do something now.

I'm so proud of you for your weight loss, your smarts, how much you share about what you know and are still learning about life after WLS here, and (as I've said before) I sorely wish we lived closer to each other.

RESPECT!

[Shirl]

RehabNurse, I think my Latin@ community suffers from similar body imaginary and conflicting ideals. I had a lot of discussions about food when I was back home in Guatemala a few weeks ago. My family is not obese in the medical sense, and they value voluptuousness while admiring commercialization of (a Anglo-Eurepean (white)) American Standard of style and beauty which is psychologically conflicting. There is much guilt around food which was worrysome to me. Probably it isn't the same, but I saw how differently they treated me wanting to know "my secret," but then they told me to be careful not to lose too much. I definitely didn't share my WLS, but shared that I had cut processed sugars, including alcohol (which there was some social taboo about me not toasting with a glass of alcohol... which pissed some of them off) and flours of all types (there were smirks about that too), and that I had exercised with a trainer three times. They tend to make underhanded jokes and comments, and now my losing weight gave them more fuel.

I mostly ignored them, but at times I felt so out of place.

Since I have been back I have received a few messages of support and encouragement to keep doing whatever I'm doing, and to "send my secret," but also of concern that I maybe doing things that might be detrimental to my health. I have no idea how to respond to them right now, but I do plan let time pass before I reply.

I have learned so much from you since I have been on this forum, and I am certain that you more than anyone will have the wisdom and compassion to deal with those "concerned trolls." I also know that no matter the "high road" we take some situations seem to push our buttons. Don't let them get in your head, you are defining your own meaning of beauty as we all should.

Much love to you!

[Ann2]

P.S. And to be very clear, I do NOT believe that everyone has to have a "normal" BMI to be healthy and/or attractive. Bodies are so very, very different in how they're composed, shaped and proportioned. And, as we know, the BMI scale is based solely on height and weight and doesn't take muscle mass, bone mass, or proportions into account at all. It's not a be-all-end-all health metric.

I think that RehabNurse's friend's family / friends are exhibiting what may happen when we change in any way. Change in us makes some people around us uncomfortable. When we change, those around us are challenged to re-examine their own thinking and perhaps even their own behavior and (gasp!) reconsider whether they shouldn't also make changes of their own.

If we change in ways that put others' behaviors or values in a negative light (even if only in their own minds), our family and friends are very likely and very predictably going to rationalize why their behaviors and values are NOT flawed. Which leads to us and our changes being perceived as threatening. And from there it's easy to categorize us and our changes as *wrong* or (gasp!) *bad* or (mercy, me!) even *evil*.

It takes guts to change. It's hard. And it's harder still when we aren't around supportive people. That's why WLS patients with supportive family members and friends generally do better post-op than those whose friends/family oppose and/or sabotage their efforts to live a healthy lifestyle and become healthier (or more attractive, as they define attractive).

Some marriages and relationships change after WLS -- some for the better, some for the worse. I do think that over time most people in our lives accustom themselves to the changes in us. But some may never accept our changes. Those people will either bring us down, or we'll learn to ignore them and say, as they say down in Louisiana, "Bless their hearts!"

Or "Fuck 'em!"

One or the other.

[Pam G]

OMG i dream of the day when someone tells me I'm too skinny or need to stop losing weight! Curves are nice, however i feel being healthy is whats important.

I know,right?! When will someone look at us and say, "jeez. Eat a cheeseburger, will ya?"

I will hug that person till I squeeze a fart out of them!

[Pam G]

My MIL keeps calling me "pretty girl" now. I told her that it implies that I wasn't pretty before....but I was just teasing her. (I know she doesn't mean it that way)

[Pam G]

My MIL keeps calling me "pretty girl" now. I told her that it implies that I wasn't pretty before....but I was just teasing her. (I know she doesn't mean it that way)

[RehabNurse]

There's a double standard. It seems okay for a concern-troll to blather his/her opinion that another person is too "skinny" or "shapeless" or has lost too much weight. However, it would be unacceptable if I reversed it and said, "You are too fat, oddly shaped, and should lose some weight."

If these people dared to ever run their mouths to my face, my polite facade will disappear and I won't bother to spare their feelings. Sometimes the truth hurts.

[sraebaer]

That's odd, I have never had anything say anything except compliments. May be a cultural thing. Or maybe because I'm not really thin or anything, just the high end of the desirable BMI.

You just have to ignore stupid people. Only you know where you feel good weight wise.

[RehabNurse]

That's odd, I have never had anything say anything except compliments. May be a cultural thing. Or maybe because I'm not really thin or anything

I am not particularly thin, either. However, thickness and being overweight are socially acceptable and desirable in many facets of the black community, especially in the South.

Back when I was 5'1, 200+ pounds and a size 14/16, people around here were referring to me as 'small' and 'petite'. Body image perceptions are warped in this area in the context that people who are 50 pounds overweight do not think of themselves as having a weight problem.

[Ann2]

I hear you, RehabNurse!

Tom Wolfe (and countless others) are right: You can't go home again.

[metroplexchl]

Man that sucks. There are some seriously disconnected and uncaring people out there. Unfortunately, they are sometimes in our own families. One thing I learned long ago from a mentor was this phrase about anything negative someone says to you (provided that the negative person isn't someone you trust telling you something you need to hear): "Do not let that occupy space in my brain!"

We went through some of this when we adopted our first child. It's strange how un-empathetic people can be at times. But on a positive note....sometimes it takes years and years to learn who you can't trust. These yahoos made it crystal clear in one day!

[DesertGal]

This is the reason I don't want family members knowing what I am going to do, other than my husband and 2 daughters. I KNOW I would hear nothing but negativity about the entire journey.... and this would be from FAMILY (father, sister, in laws, etc..)! Too many opinionated folks who haven't a clue to my personal situation with food and eating. When my daughter was born with Down syndrome many years ago, I heard a lot of uncaring, negative thoughts from some family and friends, and was dumbfounded.... and at times today it still holds true. I'm a strong woman but I do not need to hear the Debbie Downers of the world giving me their opinions of things they know nothing about.