Dealing with new self image issues. Could use some advice.

[NJgrew]

Well as of today I am 75lbs down and something really unexpected has been happening to me lately. I am starting to see myself as thinner. It used to be that I wouldn't believe the nice things people were saying to me because I couldn't see it for myself. For about a week I have been able to see a real change in my physical body and it's made me incredibly enthusiastic and more confident to put myself out there.

So, I really want to start finding a woman to form a relationship with. I didn't think I'd be ready for this step so soon, but I know I am. I could really use some advice, because while I never had any problems meeting people and talking to them I never had the courage or confidence to pursue a serious intimate relationship with a girl. So any tips or advice? I have tried, but find that when I approach women I fall back into the more passive person I've since left behind. How do I correct this?

[dachsie]

I honestly have no idea what to advise you. I am worried about the same thing from the other side - how am i going to be when someone shows an interest in me. Do you go to the bariatric support meetings in your area? Maybe if you brought the question up there you can get some ideas. Best thing is to develop your self-confidence and if you are self confident, it will show thru and the other person will see that. Good luck!

[peaches]

I dont think there is an answer to your question, its all about self belief and confidence, you are as good as any one, you can do what you want, You seem to have a lovely caring nature and Im sure as you begin to love your self for who you are, You will find that special person.

[SECRETSLEEVE]

I would suggest a wls support group then maybe you can meet a women who has also had wls and that is a major thing to have in common

[Mbenson5]

Well, I've been married for 23 years so am a bit rusty but for myself (and I'm really shy), when I was "trying" to look for someone, I just froze. It was when I just gave up and decided to have a good time and not worry about it was when I met my husband. You are very cute and I'm sure you won't have any problems. Good luck!!

[LMS]

Perhaps try dating online. Yes you have to weed out the crazy people but a great way to build your confidence level back up. You start by chatting online then phone then date. Go with the attitude it is just a night out nothing more and take it from there. You just never know what you might find. How old are you?

[NJgrew]

I'm 21. I've always had an unfounded aversion towards online dating. I think it's because I really value one on one interaction. I'm curious about people, everyone has a story and I like hearing them. I love getting to know people, and part of what I enjoy is how it can happen organically. All that said, I think I need to continue to broaden my horizons, I will not rule out online dating. Thanks for the suggestion.

[SECRETSLEEVE]

I'm 21. I've always had an unfounded aversion towards online dating. I think it's because I really value one on one interaction. I'm curious about people, everyone has a story and I like hearing them. I love getting to know people, and part of what I enjoy is how it can happen organically. All that said, I think I need to continue to broaden my horizons, I will not rule out online dating. Thanks for the suggestion.

I also don't like online dating, I tried it and had bad expierences.

[DNA]

get involved with a local church young adults group. Or join a gym or activities in your area for young adults. I know a lot of ppl who have met online and are now married. I am 37 and its not so odd. Start by communicating online isnt bad... then yal can meet.

You if dont believe in yourself - no one else will dear.

[suegirl]

You need to give your head time to get skinny too.. support groups are great... Yes, you head is GETTING skinny but because you fall back into that train of thought, it isn't there completely yet.. And you won't have to go looking for it.. when you brain is there, it will show and you won't even have to think about it.. congrats on your loss!

[cowgirljane]

I have two sons - one of them is 23 and since about age 14 he has had girls persuing him. Not kidding, he is a one woman kinda guy, but he sure didn't have to be based on all the girls who have been after him for many years...lol. My youngest son is 20, also very handsome (actually he is tall dark and handsome) and he really has no idea how get girls he likes interested in him. He is not overweight and is just a great guy, but somehow doesn't quite have that confidence or "whatever" it is. In his case, he is studying to be a scientist, so he needs to find a girl who likes that nerdy thing I guess! I guess my point is that it is not necessarily weight related!

The advice I would give is to be "open" to the possibility of a relationship but don't get too wrapped up in the idea as that pressure doesn't work. Maybe kinda let a few trusted friends know you might want to meet someone. Go do stuff - if church isn't your thing, take up an activity or class or something where you will meet people your age. It seems like alot of times people meet people through their friends. Like,you are going on a hike or something and your friends bring a cousin or something - that is just a low pressure way to meet people.

Good luck!!

[NJgrew]

Thank you all. I really appreciate the advice and kind wishes. And I really like hearing what women have to say on the subject. I guess I'm stuck, my desire has never been higher and I've never more ready to open up and share myself with a woman, but my head isn't there yet. I'll just keep trying to find that inner determination, and not force anything.

[Fran71]

I agree with the organic relationship thing, I've tried online dating but don't trust it. I think that people who have something in common will always click. You come across as a really decent bloke. You are young attractive & your growing confidence will be attractive to lots of women trust me. Women like confidence but not cocky-ness & getting that balance is tricky. Try joining clubs where you have interests in common with the people there & you never know the girl of your dreams might just turn up one night! I think a WLS group is a great idea too, as you will already have 1 thing in common.

Don't be too keen & don't let women take advantage of you! No gold diggers, or what we in the uk call piss takers! You will know when you meet them, no matter how pretty she is walk away.

Good luck, being in the singles market is scary at any time let alone a time of grate change.

[Laural]

Ok, here goes the Mom in me... Just give yourself more time. You can now see the physical changes in your body. Sometimes the emotion changes take a tad longer to catch up. Trust me, a light switch will go off and you will feel it down in your soul when it does. You might want to talk to a professional to get some guidenence. You are young, it WILL happen. Plus you are very handsome!!!!! xo

[Lovelycarnage]

be yourself, be yourself, be yourself!!!! Enjoy those around you. Don't focus on wanting a relationship. once you find yourself happy, it will make others happy to be with you. you can try to get a relationship and most of the time you will end up wrapped up in someone who you are pursuing and arent even sure they are right for you. Be yourself, focus on your hobbies and your future. hang out with people you like. Meet new people and make new interest. At 21 you can still 'change the world' jump into adventure and love will follow. :P