I can't believe how little posts there are in this area, how can one deal with the pain of obesity and not acknowledge an issue with food?
I used to binge.... I would not throw up but I would compulsively eat thousands of calories a day, I was obsessed with food all day, every day, for years.... I would spend my last dollar on food, I had favorite restaurants all over the place, I have gone from one fast food restaurant drive thru to the next in one car ride. I use to find wrappers or food paraphanalia everywhere. I had rituals, I would order from each of my favorite restaurants alternating each night of the week... BBQ, Thai/sushi, italian/pizza, Chilis, chinese, mexican, etc.... I would order one or several appetizers, a main course, sometimes more than one main course, and a dessert, sometimes several desserts, then I would sit down in front of the tv and put on my favorite show, or a movie and I would just gorge until I couldn't barely breath, it would happen so fast... its like I would just zone out and stuff as much into my mouth as fast as possible and I would try to absorb all of the flavors like a high... and when I was done, I would start to feel the guilt and the shame, the depression and the anxiety creep in....then I would wake up feeling like crap, bloated, miserable and of course, fatter...I would find new stretchmarks forming all the time, it became a regular dissapointment. I hated the mirror, I hated my clothes, I hated the way I looked when I would walk out the door to face the world. I started wearing spandex tights under everything, mostly tunics... for Gods sake why would I choose spandex over my huge ass? Because it had give in the waist and never cut me off, it stretched and was comfortable, anything with an elastic waistband and what I didn't realize about this was that I was able to gain a massive amount of weight without realizing it b/c the tights just stretched with my body, I never had to deal with my clothes not fitting b/c everything I wore stretched.... I avoided the scale as well. It is like I literally set out to destroy myself. Why would someone do this to themselves? Pain... I was in pain and I didn't want to feel it hurt so I used, I used food to try and comfort, distract.... the very thing that gave me comfort from pain was the thing that was hurting me, a vicious cycle of abuse. I never, ever thought that I would beat this, I felt stuck, hopeless, I basically gave up on myself, and life. And now..... I am free, I am given a way back to myself and I will not take this for granted! Not only am I physically not able to binge.... this surgery has completely changed the way I think and feel about food and the act of eating. I no longer live to eat, I eat to live! Amazing. =)
Here is a video I took of my "last meal" it was my last time binging before surgery, I look at all of this food and I can not imagine consuming that much!
http://youtu.be/l3IUff_fsbo
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