Less than 3 weeks until my surgery and I "get" to start my pre-op diet in 6 days. I'll have one week of a high protein, low carb/low cal diet of about 1200 calories or less before I start the liquid diet. So of course the last few days I have been making the most of still being able to eat "normal". And I have realized something.

All of these foods kind of suck.

I mean, don't get me wrong, when I let myself get ravenous and then dive into a bacon cheeseburger, it's freakin' AWESOME...until I get about halfway through. Then it's like, eh...just something else to shove in my food hole and chew up. Something extra greasy and salty that ends up making me feel sluggish and slightly nauseated. I've kind of had a food "bucket list" that I've been indulging in, saying goodbye to all my favorites. I've come to see that my brain builds them up as more delicious than they really are. And maybe the first few bites really are that good...but then I get distracted as I shovel the rest of my gigantic portion in and don't even really pay attention to how it tastes anymore. But here lately I have tried to pay a little more attention and slow down a bit and I've noticed that these delicious delicacies that got me into this horrible shape I am right now are kind of gross about half way through eating them. I thought I would be sad saying "goodbye" to all my favorites but honestly, I think I'm more than ready to quit eating like this.

I may be learning something here, people. Something profound...

Something along the lines of, "I am recognizing my triggers and identifying my pleasure seeking behavior and eliminating the reward system I have with food and becoming more aware of the signals from my body.." or some other wonderfully insightful sounding run on sentence that insinuates I have had an epiphany of some sorts.

But really, I think I have just been preparing myself so much for this change that I am ready to get started and see the surgery and recovery as a reward in itself, getting healthy as a reward... so now, the food isn't as good because it is no longer the reward I really want. Or something like that, anyway.

On another note, I think my 2 year old is sensing that something is up because he has all of a sudden become super clingy with me. I'm a stay at home mom and he has never spent more than a few hours away from me, like EVER, much less a night away. I'm having to travel three hours away from home for this procedure and because I am also having a scope to check for a hernia and if I have one (and they are pretty sure I do) then hernia repair, I will have to be out of town for 4 days (3 nights) bare minimum (as long as I don't have any complications). So my poor little guy will have to stay with my mom for that time and while I know he will have a wonderful time with Nana, I was already stressing about it before... and now since he doesn't want to leave my side and has to be touching me (holding my hand, hand on my cheek, playing with my hair, etc...) almost all the time, it's just tugging at my heartstrings to think about being away from him for a few days. I'll miss his older brothers, too of course but they are bigger, able to care for themselves for the most part, and they understand what's going on. I worry that my little man will be afraid I've abandoned him...

Gah... why do we mommies think that our babies won't be able to survive without us? It's just some weird instinct we have that we can't shake, this feeling that we have to always be there to protect and care for them, that no one else could possibly do it.

I guess it's a good distraction for me, anyway. I mean, this whole "scary" surgery and everything is coming up and the part I'm stressing out about is not being able to have my baby there with me. I'm sure as I get closer I'll begin to worry more about the procedure and all that, but right now my thoughts are with my little guy.

On another note, I kind of feel like I'm "nesting" like I did when I was pregnant, but instead of preparing for a baby I'm just preparing for recovery. I keep cleaning and organizing closets, kitchen cabinets, the shed... and making half a dozen lists, of course. Yep, I am a list junkie. My husband likes to tease me about it. I'll sit down on the couch with a pad and a piece of paper and he'll be like, "Uh, oh! What are we listing now?" I actually have a 3 ring binder with dividers that I have been organizing into sections like, "liquid diet recipes" and "safe exercises after sleeve". It's a little ridiculous but I can't help it... I'm bound and determined to do everything I can to make this surgery a success and also, to be truthful, if I don't keep myself busy with preparations I think I'll go crazy from impatience. As long as I feel like I am being productive and "getting ready" I don't have a problem. But the minute I stop and twiddle my thumbs I start feel the EXTREMELY slow tick of the clock and I wanna pull out my hair.

But luckily I have this place and all of you to help with that. Reading all of your stories and updates and looking at your amazing pictures has taught me more than I could have ever imagined about what's to come. I really appreciate all of you guys and gals. It's completely priceless to have a huge group of supportive people that know exactly what you are going through and are full of advice and encouragement. I'm glad you are sharing your stories with me and I am very happy to get to share my story with you.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.