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Thread: Personality Changes--it's a huge deal!!

  1. #1
    Gastric Sleeve Member woodberries's Avatar
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    Default Personality Changes--it's a huge deal!!

    I knew that losing weight would increase my self-esteem and boost my confidence, but it's brought forward an overwhelming amount of emotions.

    One friend told me the two women who had the surgery whose husbands were deployed...they both got boyfriends and left their husbands. Another friend said that two of her friends got divorced after WLS and one is struggling.

    I have to say "I get it". It's so life-changing. I am bombarded with new and wonderful emotions. I love who I am now, but I'm really confused. I am a person I have never been--even when I was thin before and young. Now I'm a 40 year old thin me who is experiencing life in a unique way. I'm middle aged, having my sexual peak, and more happy and confident and silly than ever. I'm uninhibited in ways that actually scare me. And I crave relationships with people. I want to listen to music and to dance to it rather than watch movies. I'd rather socialize at parties than do my crafts (my favorite pastime). I cannot overstate how changing this has been to me. I love who I am but I question who I am. What will I be next year? when I lose ALL The weight? Will I go back to my old interests? I'm also craving sexual attention from men. Which scares the crap out of me.

    One of those friends said the cycle she's seen is that at first the spouse is thrilled to see their newly happy confident spouse. Then they become bothered by the changes, until finally they just feel like they don't know their spouse.

    I think for the relationship to survive, there has to be communication and mutual change. I know I want to have counseling when my husband gets back. What are we to do when he wants to hang out at home with me all the time and I feel stifled not having people over or going to parties? Will he be the dull one at the party and me feeling trapped?

    Right now my husband is so happy. I love him more than ever because I accept myself more than ever. But for a marriage to survive such a large change, we have to work at it.

    Other things to consider...I am craving people to be around me, but not everybody wants to socialize that much. I want a lot of affection and not everyone wants to give it. I don't have a niche laid out for me there and with hubby gone, I am feeling kind of lonely & needy. I even got sensitive and felt like no one liked me there for a bit.

    The most lovely thing I have experienced is that I and being the kind of person I wanted to be. I feel genuine love for so many people and am not afraid to show it or say it. I don't care what they look like or how cool they are. I just love people.

    I hope you get a chance to share your thoughts and what has/hasn't worked for you. I'm going to start going to a counselor/therapist soon. I cannot overstate how changed I feel.


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    Gastric Sleeve Member brendadenton64's Avatar
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    Default Re: Personality Changes--it's a huge deal!!

    So proud that you get it, most folks just don't understand the work that is in this new world that has just opened up for you. I have been trapped in a fat body since childhood so I am looking so forward to the freedom as well, my hubby is very scared but he will go to therapy with me when the time comes to save our marraige as well. Again Good luck

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  5. #3
    Gastric Sleeve Member Dana's Avatar
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    Default Re: Personality Changes--it's a huge deal!!

    I remember that the world is the same even if I decide I love interacting with them more than before, they never went out of their way for me when I was fat and insecure. My husband did. He loved me and toned down his social life for my withdrawn unsociable a**. So he gets all the benefits of my feeling better and I will wait for hom to come home, or feel better, or let him have a little while to get past his insecurities. They are only insecure bc they know the world will see us the way they ways have and they are afraid they won't measure up. Its my turn to tell him how wonderful HE is. I've watched enough others make mistakes and learned that vanity can ruin your life. If I cannot accept flattery without losing my head then what good is it. I'm losing weight to better my life not throw out the ones who loved me all along for someone who wouldn't have looked twice at me. If he never loved you then go for it but otherwise take great care, sometimes we think we are following our heart but are really just following our flesh. And if you have faith in God at all don't thank God for a blessing and then turn around and live for you know who. I want blessings for you all! Not regret. Be proud of your behavior as much as you are your new body. this is not meant as a rebuke but encouragement for any that are struggling. If you leave a good man then what, you wil be out looking for another good man and may not be so lucky next time. Thanks Heather, this is part of our journey and needs lots of attention.

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  7. #4
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    I have had a gastric sleeve.
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    Default Re: Personality Changes--it's a huge deal!!

    I've known women that have had the same feelings about their spouse but the relationship was not strong prior to WLS. My husband didn't want my to have the surgery because of the risk of any surgery. I explained, the surgery is what I need not want. I had high blood pressure, pre diabetes and was using a Cpap machine. My husband supported my with all of my Heath issues and eventually with the surgery. I love my husband more than every. He attended my last preop visit and all of my postoperative visits. My husband make sure I go to the gym. My husband is my biggest fan and I'm his biggest fan.
    Grace, michelleb, Theresa and 5 others like this.


  8. #5
    Gastric Sleeve Member Grace's Avatar
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    Default Re: Personality Changes--it's a huge deal!!

    Heather - thanks for starting this conversation. I also want to say thank you for being a military family. I honor your family's choices.
    Wondering if there is a girlfriend, perhaps another "army (navy, etc) wife" you can go out with? Someone with whom you can explore the world you feel calling but will be your wingwoman and you can be hers? It's important that you not hold yourself back more than necessary or you will resent your husband without meaning to. You can go out to be with people, hear music, go to concerts - whatever it is you are craving within the bounds of your marriage vows pretty easily. It's normal to crave attention from the opposite sex. It's biological in fact. And when we are feeling more sexy it shows. That makes those of us in monogamous relationships a bit worried. But looking and flirting is not touching and cheating. It's just a matter of knowing who you are and who you are with your hubby. Flirt with him. He'll love it You have a unique opportunity that those of us who have our spouses at home day in and day out don't have. You get to have a second honeymoon at his return.
    Perhaps you could think of going out and doing things as laying the groundwork for things you two can do together when he gets home. Some he may not end up liking and you'll have to go with a friend but some he may like and it may open up a new world for you two. Get him involved in this, ask him if he thinks there are things you can do together when he gets home. Essentially I'm saying the closer you can be while he's gone, the better off later.

    Hubby and I are taking ballroom dancing when I get down to size, even though he most definitely has 2 size 14 left feet...but even if we just laugh over him stepping on my toes, it's something to do together. And he knows my love for music so we're going to go out more in search of local nightlife/bands.

    Hope you feel better about the changes happening, and understand they are normal and expected.... and manageable.
    Note that my responses here are from the viewpoint of a female 3 yrs out from surgery, with post bariatric hypoglycemia. I am not a medical professional. Lowest wt after surgery, 218 at 9 mo out.

    Best NSV yet - fitting on a kid's amusement park ride with my 4 yr old grandson!

    re: my avatar -- CFIDS =ME/CFS (Myalgic Encephalomyletis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) Also diagnosed with post-bariatric reactive hypoglycemia; and chronic gastritis (both sleeve related).

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  10. #6
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    Default Re: Personality Changes--it's a huge deal!!

    Thanks for your candor. Having lost the weight I needed to, I can say that I didn't go running around, but just made me more confident being with my wife. The fact is, becoming an a$$hole isn't a consequence, its a choice. The reality is, when a woman loses the weight, if she wants to go out into sexual exploration, that's her choice, but she should be aware that the guy is just using her as an easy lay. Ten minutes later, he's gone, and she will feel like a cheap piece of meat. The question is, is it really worth it to give up your marriage and someone who loves you for strange guys who will have no commitment to you beyond his ejaculation?
    Grace, Dana, Dee Leshuz and 12 others like this.



  11. #7
    Gastric Sleeve Member woodberries's Avatar
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    Default Re: Personality Changes--it's a huge deal!!

    Keep the posts coming..but thanks for the advice to me personally. We had an amazing time on Christmas break while he was home. And I love him...and want to continue to explore that in new ways. However, the new me isn't going to put up with some of the crap I put up with before. I already told him that before he came home at Christmas. Well, I told him that he has got to make peace with the clean laundry being in the way or finish it himself...that I am doing the very best I can. Basically I said, if you keep harping me about it then we will end up divorced because you are tearing me down. (he has a thing about laundry ending up on our bed when he gets home. and has on more than one occasion told me to clean it off--while he waits--even though it was teh children who put it there). That's more personal than I meant to be. But I just wanted everyone to really think about these issues and protect their relationships by being proactive.

    But inside it's a personal storm that is being all dramatic and I've got to find a way to cope with that.



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    Gastric Sleeve Member Munchkin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Personality Changes--it's a huge deal!!

    I am so glad you are going to see a therapist. We are dealing with a lot of changes and a lot of emtion. Hugs to you.
    woodberries and 4linton like this.
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  14. #9
    Gastric Sleeve Member
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    Default Re: Personality Changes--it's a huge deal!!

    Your response made me think. My relationship with my wife really hasn't changed that much, but my relationships with other people have! I don't sit by and let people steamroll me. I am much more confident in social and professional relationships and situations. That's a good thing... Right?

  15. #10
    Gastric Sleeve Member pack89's Avatar
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    Default Re: Personality Changes--it's a huge deal!!

    I think what I'm seeing here is that there are 2 distinct types of marriages. You either have a great spouse that supports you regardless of your size, or you are already in a shaking marriage. I do believe if you are in a rocky marriage, sometimes people stay because they are afraid they won't find someone else, or don't deserve someone better. Then once they start to lose the weight, the excess baggage that has been keeping them down, they start to see all of the possibilities out there. Some better, some not, but still possible. I think that if you are in a happy, loving relationship to start, it should only get better. The more you love yourself, the easier you are to love.

    That was one of my big worries about having double mastectomy, would my husband love me less, because I was no longer whole. After many talks and tears, he convinced me he loves me no matter what. Knowing that, after I am able to have my WLS and lose this extra baggage I carry, he will be my biggest supporter. We keep talking about all the different things we will be able to do together, that my weight kept me from doing. When we first got married, even though I was skinny back then, I was still kind of quiet and reserved. I don't like to be the center of attention, but I don't like to be ignored either. Hopefully I will find my happy medium, and I guess I hope to be the center of his attention!!
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    Default Re: Personality Changes--it's a huge deal!!

    Thank you all for sharing your feelings, I dont think I anticipated this part of it all either. I have a very supportive and wonderful wife but I do have to admit the attention I get now is nice I feel guilty saying that but I have never had it before like this. I know I have such a great family and relationship with my wife , she has been my biggest supporter through all of this. I cant state fact for the future because after all I am only human and a weak man too lol. I know this though, that I would never want to do anything to hurt the woman of my dreams for almost 20 years for a roll in the hay with someone else.
    Michael, Grace, Dana and 5 others like this.



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    Default Re: Personality Changes--it's a huge deal!!

    Continued success and you will find the right answer for you and your life!



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  19. #13
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    Default Re: Personality Changes--it's a huge deal!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Dana View Post
    I remember that the world is the same even if I decide I love interacting with them more than before, they never went out of their way for me when I was fat and insecure. My husband did. He loved me and toned down his social life for my withdrawn unsociable a**. So he gets all the benefits of my feeling better and I will wait for hom to come home, or feel better, or let him have a little while to get past his insecurities. They are only insecure bc they know the world will see us the way they ways have and they are afraid they won't measure up. Its my turn to tell him how wonderful HE is. I've watched enough others make mistakes and learned that vanity can ruin your life. If I cannot accept flattery without losing my head then what good is it. I'm losing weight to better my life not throw out the ones who loved me all along for someone who wouldn't have looked twice at me. If he never loved you then go for it but otherwise take great care, sometimes we think we are following our heart but are really just following our flesh. And if you have faith in God at all don't thank God for a blessing and then turn around and live for you know who. I want blessings for you all! Not regret. Be proud of your behavior as much as you are your new body. this is not meant as a rebuke but encouragement for any that are struggling. If you leave a good man then what, you wil be out looking for another good man and may not be so lucky next time. Thanks Heather, this is part of our journey and needs lots of attention.
    Dana.....girl.....I have to say that this is the wisest post I have read in a long long time. You rock!



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  21. #14
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    Default Re: Personality Changes--it's a huge deal!!

    My wife and I were going through counseling during the time I had my surgery. I'm down about 60 lbs so far with another 50 to go. I actually think having the surgery pushed things over the edge - and we are now in the process of ending the marriage (after 25+ years - her idea not mine). I feel so much better and happier - but it's still scary going through all of these changes. I'm starting to have similar feelings like I had when I was in my early/mid 20's and in good physical shape. I contacted a long time friend and we've started up a relationship which is fantastic - we're spending a week together later this month on a photo shoot. I guess with everything going on I've decided to look towards next week - and not next year. I don't know who I will be in a year - I just have to enjoy who I am right now - and most importantly continue to realize I deserve the fruits and challenges that are now coming my way after being morbidly obese for 25 years.
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  23. #15
    Gastric Sleeve Member Symplee37's Avatar
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    Default Re: Personality Changes--it's a huge deal!!

    Wow just reading all these post have me in deep wonder. I was told by the psychologist during my pre-op eval that things would change for me once I started losing the weight and the more I get closer to goal the harder and more challenging my relationship could become, esp if it's not solid now. When I left that appt, I came straight home and had a very long lengthy conversation with my fiancÚ. We r both severely over weight and he will soon be joining the sleeved, lol. I don't think I have the fear of letting the attention go to my head and that making me wanna leave him. As Dana mentioned above, I was truly Blessed to find this special man. I'm a single mom, or should I say was a single mom with 4 children. This man came into my life and we have been on a journey of exploration of finding out how truly great life can be, regardless if your fat or skinny. We're experiencing a lot of first together, and only plan to do more and go farther with that mentality. I know a lot of women have stated how great they look with the weight off, but one thing I haven't seen posted is complaints about the excess skin. I have a childhood friend who had bypass and told me about the excess skin she has and how she looks great in her clothes but once they come off, it's a whole different story. This is my fear, and being full figured although my body is very curvaceous, as I shrink the curves may stick around but some things will deflate, if you catch my drift. So what about that, I expressed to my fiancÚ my fear that when I'm all stretched out with sagging droopy skin he may not be attracted to me anymore, of course he denies it completely and tells me everyday he loves me and will always love me just as I am, not for what I look like but because of who I am. It's somewhat reassuring but I still have nervous feelings over this skin possibility. Does anyone else have this fear or is actually dealing with this problem now that the weight is gone? I don't fear a change in my relationship, I only see benefits of us both losing all this weight, we both suffered from diabetes and high blood pressures. Since my surgery I can proudly say I am no longer diabetic or hypertensive and no longer take medication for either illness, so much so that immediately following surgery my diabetes was cured. God is good, what a Blessing that is to have. I have told my fiancÚ it's a must that he have the surgery, because I suffered with a few setbacks post-op it made him nervous and he began to have second thoughts about having the surgery, but I let him know, not every one will have the same experience and it's not really an option for him but a matter of life and death at this point, his bp is outta control, and I was honest with him. I don't want to be tiny and he remains and oversized giant. He's 6'5" 439, down from 474 thanks to my pre-op diet, yes I put him on it at the same time, lol. But its been good for him as well. But anyway I just wanted to share some of my concerns and ask if anyone had the same thoughts or fears and if so, please share them with us. BTW: I love this blog

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